In-Utero Shrinkage

How's THAT for an attention-getting header?!? There'll be a more in-depth discussion of it later in this post...

We're now officially 12 weeks along! Hard to believe that poor Holly has been fighting exhaustion for nearly 3 months already, but it's true. First, here's what the good folks at WebMD have to say about things. Then, on to the shrinkage!

You're 12 Weeks Pregnant. Your baby now measures about 2.5 inches from crown to rump and weighs between three-tenths of an ounce and half an ounce. It is fully formed, from tooth buds to toenails. Your baby's job now is to continue to grow big and strong. With the most critical time in your baby's development behind you, the chance of miscarriage drops considerably after this week. Nausea and energy start to improve but occasional headaches, dizziness and fatigue from hormone changes may be present. If it's your first baby, you still could be wearing loose-fitting clothes, but if you've had other pregnancies, you most likely are back in maternity clothes. The typical weight gain by now is about three to five pounds. Fathers-to-be might also experience pregnancy symptoms, called couvade or "hatching," during the third month and at delivery, including nausea, abdominal pain, appetite changes and weight gain.

So, what was all that about in-utero shrinkage again? Here's the deal... We had our 12-week appointment yesterday to make sure that everything's going along swimmingly, and were lucky enough to have another ultrasound (pictures are forthcoming, I promise). The purpose of this ultrasound was to test for any emerging birth defects, Down Syndrome, etc., but it also had the really cool side effect of showing us a great profile of our baby. First, let me say that this child appears to be absolutely every bit as adorable as Chris and Matthew. In fact, he/she puts his/her little hand right up to his/her little face just like both of the boys did in their ultrasounds. Hilarious!

Here's where it gets interesting. We got to see the baby from all sorts of interesting angles, including a lower-body shot. At 12 weeks, it'd be a minor miracle to be able to determine the baby's gender; however, there's always a slight chance. Our technician essentially said that she didn't see anything to indicate this baby is a boy; HOWEVER, she said that it's very common for the boy parts (this IS a family-friendly blog, after all!) to HIDE inside the body due to temperature fluctuations, etc. So basically, if we've got a boy here, it's suffering from in-utero shrinkage. WOW! On the other hand, it could also be a girl...hmmmmmm....

Guess we'll just have to wait and see on this one. We're not technically supposed to be able to find out until we're at 20 weeks, but we may have an in-route with a guy at work whose wife is an ultrasound tech. She got us in at 16 weeks with Matthew, and was able to tell us his gender at that point. Keep your eyes and ears peeled, folks...this is starting to get interesting! :-)

Pregnant Again in Margaritaville!

WHAT?!? Did Brian just make a reference to margaritas in conjunction with being pregnant?!? What the heck is WRONG with this guy?!?

Not to worry, everyone. This post's title is merely a reference to the fact that, as of this week, our baby is roughly the size of a large lime. And what do we do with limes? We squeeze them into deliciously refreshing margaritas, of course...as long as the "we" in question doesn't include Holly!
Here's the latest update from the good folks at WebMD. Enjoy!

"You're 11 Weeks Pregnant. Your fetus, about the size of a large lime, measures
about 1.75 to 2.4 inches from crown to rump and weighs about three-tenths of an
ounce. About now the rapid "swooshing" noises of the heartbeat may be heard
using an electronic Doppler device. Fingernails and external genitalia are
showing distinguishing characteristics, and the baby is swallowing and kicking,
although you still won't feel it. Your uterus is almost big enough to fill your
pelvis and may be felt in your lower abdomen. You may also be seeing changes in
your hair, skin, fingernails or toenails."

The question now, of course, is when we'll be able to see for ourselves whether we've got a little boy or a little girl. The answer: probably in a few weeks. Doctors will generally perform an ultrasound at 20 weeks to determine the baby's gender, but we've got a friend who may be
able to do it at 16 weeks if we're nice to her. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated. Until next time...have a great day!

Shrimpy Shrimperton!

From the weekly files of Holly's online pregnancy updates. Enjoy!

Your baby is now officially considered a "fetus." It looks a little like a medium sized shrimp, measuring 1.25 to 1.68 inches from crown to rump, and weighing a little less than two-tenths of an ounce. The most critical part of your baby's development is behind you. But other developmental processes, such as those affecting behavior and intelligence, will continue throughout pregnancy. You still probably don't look pregnant, but you may not be fitting into your regular clothes. The fatigue, moodiness, and morning sickness associated with the first trimester of pregnancy is likely still present, but these symptoms shouldn't last too much longer.

Strawberry Fields Forever...

Honestly, today's post has absolutely nothing to do with the classic Beatles tune. The simple implication here is that, according to WebMD, our baby should be roughly the size of a strawberry at this point. Awesome! Holly's about 9 weeks along now, and she gets great weekly update e-mails from the folks at WebMD. I'll be doing my best to post those here so that everyone can keep up with where we are in the process. Enjoy!

You're nine weeks pregnant! Your embryo measures about 0.9 inches to 1.2 inches from crown to rump (note to Hopie here...RUMP!!!), or the size of a strawberry. The arms and legs are getting longer, and the fingers might be a little swollen where the touch pads are forming. The head is more erect and the neck is more developed. Your baby now moves its body and limbs, and this movement can be visible during an ultrasound, but you won't be able to feel it yet.

Holy crap! I (almost) have a Kindergartener!!

It's true...Chris is getting old. How old, you ask? So old that we registered him for KINDERGARTEN yesterday! It's truly amazing how quickly the past five years have flown past. It seems like just a couple of years ago that we were taking my sisters down to the bus stop for their first days of school...

Anyway, I don't want to wax nostalgic or anything. Just thought I should share. Here's a picture of Chris at his new school. The reason that he looks less than happy is that he was completely exhausted from a trip to the circus. Enjoy! :-)

Mr. Whizzer!

** - Note to non-parents: The following post will be meaningless, and frankly a little odd to you...get over it!

One of the great joys of parenthood is the seeming endless carousel of dirty and wet diapers that you get to change. Then, one day, it happens...your child decides he wants to wear - wait for it - UNDERPANTS! This day actually came a few weeks ago for Matthew, and we've been sending him to school in underpants ever since. The funny part so far, though, has been that he usually only made it about half-way through the day before he invariably had an accident. Always prepared, we sent him to school with back-up pants and a full complement of pull-ups (think Depends for kids).

A few minor accidents aside, Matthew was cruising along nicely. He made it almost the entire day on Tuesday, but missed the full-day mark by about three minutes - he had an accident just before Holly picked him up. But yesterday (cue herald angels singing, trumpets blaring, etc.) he made it all the way through the day! WHOO HOO!

There's truly nothing more exciting than knowing that the days of Matthew diapers are almost behind us. Granted, we've got another two-plus years ahead of us with the arrival of 3.0, but we can totally handle it!

Anyway, just wanted to congratulate The Moo. Have a great day!

Three-Point-Oh!!

Excited!

Enthusiastic!

Elated!

What do these words have in common? They all perfectly describe how I feel about the following announcement... Holly is pregnant!!!!!

That's right! The imminent arrival of Baby Johnston Three-Point-Oh (as we've come to call it) was confirmed this morning by Holly's doctor, and we couldn't be more excited, enthusiastic, or elated!

We (I say "we," but we all know that I really mean Holly) are about 8 weeks along, which gives us a due date of sometime around the end of September. We had an ultrasound this morning, and everything looks great. There's a heartbeat, and our baby looks something like a little lima bean at this point. In the coming weeks, it'll take on the size of other edible objects (though there are those who would argue the edibility of lima beans!), which I'll do my best to keep up with here. I'll also be sure to keep the blog updated with ultrasound photos when possible. There should be another one here in about four weeks, so keep your eyes peeled.

Holly's doing great, though she's been really tired so far. It's actually kind of like having a third child in the house already...she's constantly hungry, and she goes to bed at 8:30! :-) (Love you, Holly...don't kill me!)

The boys are also very excited, and were the ones who got to break the big news to my parents. We bought them both shirts that said "Big Brother," then let the boys take it from there. They grabbed Mom and Dad, and said, "Look at our new shirts!" There was a brief moment of silence, then Dad said, "Wait a minute...TWO big brothers?!?" What followed can only be described as a melee. Hugs were flying around the room at light speed, and my mom's excitement was probably audible about a mile away!

We took a few pictures of the boys in their new shirts, then sent them to Holly's folks as part of a birthday card that we sent her dad (Happy Birthday, Mike!). Thinking (correctly so, I might add) that they may not catch the subtleties of the "Big Brother" shirts, Holly signed the card, "Love, Holly, Brian, Chris, The Moo (Matthew, for the uninitiated), and Baby 3.0". Since we weren't there in person to witness the excitement, all I can tell you is that the phone call I received after they got the card was filled with the same level of excitement exhibited by my parents...though for some reason I was branded a "little stinker" by my mother-in-law. Presumably, this stemmed from my not having told her sooner.

I've attached a picture from our ultrasound this morning, as well as the tell-tale photo that we used to share the news with the in-laws. Hope you enjoy! :-)

El Nino Karaoke

A few weeks ago, I put up a post about Chris's love for Larry Gatlin and the Gatlin Brothers, and their smash hit, "Broken Lady." Today, I'm pleased to say that Matthew has joined the ranks of Karaoke Kids with his intense desire to sing along in SPANISH (!!) with Andrea Bocelli's "Pero Te Extrano" (which roughly translates to "I miss you"). I'm not sure how we got into this particular realm of music with The Moo, but I can say this...for a VERY long time, this song served as our "calm The Moo down" music. If Matthew was out of control, cranky, or otherwise unpleasant in the car, all we had to do was play this song, and he'd calm down almost instantly.

After a few months of self-calming with the song, though, it appears that Matthew thinks he's a blind tenor! He asks for the song by name ("Strano, Daddy! Strano!"), and then proceeds to sing right along with Bocelli. The funniest part, though, is the soaring "PERO TE EXTRANO" that gets both Matthew AND Chris singing at the tops of their lungs. It's absolutely hysterical, and I'll do what I can to post video of it sooner as opposed to later. :-)

The Fight Against Fat-Assery...Redux

** - The following post in no way, shape, or form relates to my children, their cuteness, or their inherent funniness. It's simply a post about me. Selfish? Probably. Enjoy all the same...

Just a quick update on my battle against fat-assery...did you know that a chicken bake from the Costco deli has over NINE HUNDRED calories and FIFTY GRAMS of FAT?!?!? I ate one for lunch today, then came back to the office and Googled the "nutrition information" for it, and I was completely blown away!! I could have had almost TWO BIG MACs for that amount of caloric intake. Seems it's not just Costco's packs of toilet paper that are meant for fat asses! :-)

Battle Hymn

In case you hadn't heard, my family is made up of rabid Georgia Bulldog fans. That said, we pretty much started brainwashing both Chris and Matthew at birth to not only love the Dawgs, but to revel in all things UGA. In fact, the first mobiles that hung over each of their cribs were made up of five little Ugas, while the music played "Glory." If you're not familiar with the song (and SHAME on you if you're not!), the song is sung to the tune of the final stanza of "Battle Hymn of the Republic," ("His truth is marching on!" which becomes either a) G-E-O-R-G-I-A, or b) And to Hell Georgia Tech!) and is widely considered to be the national anthem of the Bulldog nation.

The larger song, "Battle Hymn," is performed prior to and immediately following every Bulldog game, and the ending receives a great flourish where the entire croud yells out "GO DAWGS!!" during a brief half-note rest. Hard to picture in your head? Maybe, so I've attached a photo montage of Georgia goodies featuring the song so you can get the idea.

ANYWAY...we're crusing down the road the other day listening to "Bulldog songs," as Matthew calls them, and "Battle Hymn" comes on. It's one of my all-time favorites, so I'm getting all geared up for a rousing "GO DAWGS!" in my head when, from the backseat, at the top of his lungs, Chris yells out "GO DAWGS!!" I'm not sure I've ever been prouder to be a Bulldog OR to be a dad. It was awesome! :-)

Enjoy the video!

Gobama!

In the wake of Barack Obama's historic ascent to the Presidency, I'd just like to say how proud I am to live in America. This is a man who has truly inspired tens (if not hundreds) of millions of people to once again believe in the future of our country, and whose leadership we have craved for far too long.

The Fight Against Fat-Assery

** - The following post in no way, shape, or form relates to my children, their cuteness, or their inherent funniness. It's simply a post about me. Selfish? Probably. Enjoy all the same...

I recently discovered I was becoming a bit of a fat-ass. Nothing too serious, as I was weighing in at about 222. Still, that weight put me in the "overweight" category, and I wasn't too pleased about it. This being a new year and all, I decided to get off of the aforementioned fat ass and do something about it. After doing a bit of research online (always the bargain hunter!), I found several websites that offered great workout plans, calorie counters, etc. Among my favorites so far have been:

• www.fitday.com - A great fitness, health, calorie, and workout tracker. The biggest plus? It's free! Using the calorie counter to determine exactly what I'm taking in has really forced me to look at food in a whole new way, and I've become almost obsessive about keeping my daily intake under 2,300 calories.
• http://www.truthaboutabs.com/time-crunched-workouts.html - Truth About Abs was a site that I found sort of by accident, but it's given me some great ideas about weight loss, not the least of which is the site's position on cardio exercise, which it considers healthy but not the be-all, end-all of weight loss. Instead, it focuses on resistance training. The link listed above is actually a really great at-work workout that I've started using. Essentially, you take a few minutes each hour to complete the exercises listed, then get back to work. I've found it to be a great means of staying motivated and energized at work, and it does a great job of keeping my appetite in check.
• www.thefitbastard.com - Not only is this a hilarious name for a fitness site, I really enjoy the updates and ideas that it offers.

I've only been keeping tabs on things for about two weeks, but I've lost about 4.5 pounds so far. Not exactly Biggest Loser-type results, but good enough to keep me motivated. Wish me luck...maybe the next time you see me I'll be a shadow of my former self!

She's MY Woman!

So...I was just at school to drop off a car seat for my mom (they're stealing the boys to see a movie), and his teacher relayed the following story:

Today in class the kids were talking about helping people. For example, if you know how to do something, and see someone else who's not quite doing it right, you're supposed to give them helpful hints, etc. I'm not sure how that translated to what Chris said next, but he said:

"If someone was being mean to my Annabeth, I would NOT be nice to them. I
would have to go and yell at them, because she's MY woman!"

I'm sure it's nice for Annabeth's parents to know that their daughter is well taken care of!

Procrastination and Birthday Wishes

OK...I'll admit that I'm WAY late in posting this, but I'd like to wish my sister a very happy birthday (it was January 9th). The boys were kind enough to seranade her on the big day, and I thought it would be nice to share that video here. Enjoy...and Happy Birthday, Annie! :-)

The Karaoke Kid

As further proof that Chris is apparently my Mini Me-style clone, he's developed a love affair with music...as well as the singing that comes along with it. Since Holly and I aren't always in the mood for his particular brand of songs, however, we bought him a small MP3 player for Christmas (Note to those of you concerned that we're spoing our children: this is NOT an iPod, but rather a cheapo player from Target!). It's a 1gb model that holds about 250 songs or so. Before putting it under the tree, I filled it with his favorite kid's music, as well as a bunch of oldies and mom-and-dad songs that he's come to love.

Of particular interest to him right now are two songs by (I couldn't BEGIN to make this up!) Larry Gatlin and the Gatlin Brothers: All The Gold in California, and Broken Lady. So now, out of his bedroom every night, we're seranaded by the melodious sounds of the five-year-old sensation, The Karaoke Kid! You really haven't lived until you've heard a little kid belting out a heartfelt love song from the 70s!

Jesus is NOT funny...He is LORD!

I swear, if Chris doesn't grow up to be some sort of street-corner preacher I'll be absolutely shocked! We were in Houston for the holidays (visiting the in-laws...more on that in another post), and I was asked to give the blessing at Christmas dinner. When I had finished, Chris chimed in to say, "And thank you for making Jesus our only present!"

Naturally, this kicked off a chorus of laughter around the dinner table, and apparently my laughter was the most noticeable to Chris, who delivered the following rebuke: "Dad, Jesus is NOT funny...He is LORD!" Never let it be said that our child doesn't have a spiritual side! :-)

Under The Sea!

In an effort to cram the weekend full of as many activities as we possibly could (we were already planning to celebrate Christmas with the family, and Holly had a girls' night out on Saturday), we decided to celebrate Chris's birthday with a family trip to the Georgia Aquarium this weekend. As seems to happen with greater and greater frequency these days, we invited Annabeth and Kyra along for the fun (their folks were invited, too). Much madness and hilarity ensued, the details of which I'll spare you for now. But...since the kids were so darned cute, I thought I'd share the newest video montage of adorable-ness. Enjoy!

Number 5 is Alive!

References to classic '80s movies aside, it's time to celebrate Christopher's FIFTH birthday! It's hard to believe that we've had our Little Buddy for five years already, and it's incredible how the time has flown by.

We love you, Chris!

A Note to MiMi

So we're on the way home yesterday, and Chris says, "I want to send a note to MiMi on your phone!" The following is an exact transcript of his message...just too cute not to share. Enjoy!

Dear MiMi,
I made you a present. And it's in an envelope. And I love you. And
when I go to Texas, I'm gonna' give you the card. And I love Papa Mike. And I
love going to see my MiMi. I love Christmas. And I'm gonna' get you a present at
the store. And I think you would laugh because there's a male bird on the card
that I'm gonna' give you when I get to Texas. I love you!
Love,
Chris :-)

It's a Feast!!

Not much of a back-story here, but I had the good fortune to attend Chris's Thanksgiving feast at school the other day, and thought I'd share a few pictures from the event. We had an awful lot of fun, and the food was delicious. The teachers had even helped the kids come up with a "12 Days of Thanksgiving" song! I can't remember all of the items, but I know that there were 11 Stalks of Broccoli, at least 9 Cups of Jello, and 5 Meatballs with Ketchup (the latter was performed with great emphasis, and a throwing of hands into the air).

Best of all, though, each of the kids had drawn a picture of the things that they were thankful for. The teachers had then asked them about it, and wrote down (pretty much verbatim) what the kids said. Chris drew a picture of Holly and me (complete with UGA hat...GO DAWGS!), and said that he was "Thankful for my Mommy, because she gives me lots of hugs!" Not sure why I didn't get the shout out for giving hugs, too, but I'm over it.

Anyway...here are the promised photos. Enjoy!

Being With Her Keeps My Heart Together

Much has been made in this blog about the relationship between Chris and his "girlfriend," Annabeth. As I've mentioned on several occasions, these two have been virtually inseparable since starting daycare way back in the day...

Anyway, this morning we're on our way to work, and Chris is discussing his upcoming birthday (he'll be FIVE!) and the requisite celebratory events. We're talking about heading to the Georgia Aquarium, and Annabeth will naturally be invited. So...we're having this conversation, and Chris says, "If Annabeth wasn't with me, my heart would break. Being with her keeps my heart together!"

If there's anything cuter or more romantic than that (in a five-year-old's world, anyway), I'd love to hear it! :-)

Santa Hats!

Nothing spectacular to write about here...just a cute picture. Holly and I went on a date the other night, and the boys hung out with my parents. They went to the dollar store, and came out with Santa hats. Too cute! :-)

Sugar Bugs!

So how bad does this suck? Chris has cavities, which he calls Sugar Bugs! He had an appointment with the dentist last month, and she told us that he had two cavities, one on each of his two front teeth. Apparently, it's pretty common among kids his age, especially with the increasing number of juice box-type beverages that are available out there. With the straws going right by their front teeth, kids just really don't stand a chance. Bummer.

What's my point? My point is that Chris handlded the whole thing like a champ! We went for his follow-up appointment last week, and it was time for drillin' and fillin'. He was a little nervous going in, but we talked about what would happen, and by the time it was time for him to see the dentist he was ready to rock. It was pretty hilarious, actually...

Since he's still young and impressionable (and probably because they don't want kids to associate dentists with pain), the doctor recommended that we give Chris laughing gas to keep him calm throughout the procedure. So they stick this little mask on him that kind of resembles a football (see the picture below), and he's in La-La Land. They still had to numb him and give him novacaine, but he never even felt that happen.

The most hilarious part was the actual drilling, though. Since the cavities affected the areas directly in the center of his two front teeth, the drilled-out space ended up looking like a David Letterman/Michael Strahan kind of gap. I was concerned at first that they were going to leave it like that, but in the end it all ended up getting filled in. Chris was an angel, and I couldn't have been prouder of him.

OK...I'll grant you that this isn't the most exciting post ever, but the picture is totally worth it. Enjoy!

I'm Raising a Religious Zealot...and a Political Activist!

"Nothing can separate me from God's love."

That's what Chris said (quite loudly) out of his open window as we were cruising slowly through traffic the other day. WHAT?!? Apparently, his Sunday school class was quite an inspiration for him that morning, and he decided to share his faith with our fellow Atlantans, many of whom had their windows down, as well. I'm not sure exactly what made him decide to go quite so public with his faith in God, but it was pretty flippin' hilarious!

Along those lines...
Holly and I volunteer every other month or so at a financial planning class at our church called ReThink Money. This has been a phenomenal source of both inspiration and fiscal planning for both of us, but that's not the point of this post. The point is this: we were all set to volunteer at one of these classes Monday night, but Chris got sick on the way home from school and had to stay home with Holly while I went alone. While they were home, the two of them got caught up watching pre-election coverage. Chris was particularly interested in Barack Obama, partly because of his admittedly cool-sounding name, but also because he had "dark skin." I'm not sure why this was so ground-breaking for him, especially since his Pre-K class is exceptionally diverse, but there it was...

Chris and Holly discussed the upcoming (now last night's) elections, and how they were truly historic - regardless of the winner. Chris was, of course, fascinated by the whole thing, and was excited to talk about it at school on Tuesday. The Pre-K teachers had planned a mock election on Tuesday, but had the class vote on favorite foods in lieu of the actual candidates. I'm guessing this was meant to deter any kids who'd heard their folks talking politics from spouting off. HA! Apparently, this is impossible in Christopherland! Allow me to digress for a second before I get to the big finish...

During nap time, Chris sometimes asks his teachers to write a bunch of words on paper so that he can copy them. What can I say? The writing apple doesn't fall far from the tree! It's usually just names or random words, but yesterday we got a note from his teacher on his daily report:

"Chris is just too funny! Today he asked Ms. Mary Helen to write, 'I love
Obama, the one with the brown skin!" What the hell?!? Now he's all of the sudden a political activist in addition to being a religious zealot! Who knew? And, just when we thought his political aspirations were limited to the written word, Holly got the following e-mail from Annabeth's mom:

Subject: LMAO (that's "Laughing My Ass Off" for those not
familiar)

So, I go to pick up the girls yesterday, and Randi sees us
walking out. And she stopped and asked me if I had been talking about the
election at home. And I told her a little bit, but not much (unless you
count Will screaming at the TV anytime McCain came on…..). And she said,
"well, I’m not sure if you know Brian and Holly’s political leanings, but
Chris has Annabeth completely convinced that Barack Obama is the person to
vote for! He made a button! And they are so cute!"

And I just laughed and laughed.
So, when I saw Chris, he goes "are you going to vote for Barack Obama? Because my
mom says that he is super cool. And he has dark skin!!!!"
LMAO, but sigh all at the same time. :-)

These truly are amazing times in America, and apparently my son has decided to make it his mission in life to let people know who/what they should believe in/vote for. We're going to have to have a little talk with him about that...we're not exactly street preachers in our house. Still, I'm pretty proud to know that he's not afraid to voice his opinion. Think he gets that from his mom!

Rock the Vote!

No matter who you choose to vote for, or on which side your political allegiances lie: get out and vote today! This is our country, and it's the greatest in the world. The freedom to choose our leaders has been guaranteed to us through the blood, sweat, and tears of generations before us, and it's our absolute responsibility to be part of history. Make your voice heard!

* Images Below Intentionally Placed Left and Right of Center

BOO...Halloween '08!

Halloween has officially come and gone, but it left us with a great set of photos to share with everyone. This year, we had the good fortune to go trick-or-treating with the folks from our church growth group, and we had an absolute blast! The kids loved every minute of it, and Chris was a wild man! He and one of the other little monkeys from our group led the charge from house to house, seemingly impervious to the cold that had set in by dark. Matthew was a little shy at first, but gradually warmed up to the idea of taking candy from strangers (funny how we always tell them NOT to do this!).

By the end of the night, we were completely exhausted and more or less buzzing from the sugar high. All in all, it was a great night for everyone. Enjoy the video!

Aunt Katie's Wedding!

OK, this event actually took place on September 6th, but I'm a procrastinator. I delay...it's what I do.

Anywho...if you've known us for any length of time, you're already familiar with the now world-famous Aunt Katie. While she's not actually a relative, she IS Chris's girlfriend's aunt, so she's family by default. Chris has long been obsessed with Annabeth's Aunt Katie, and has attributed many events to her influence in his life. The list of accolades attributable to Aunt Katie includes, but is not limited to, the boys' destruction of our toy room many months ago. When I asked Chris why he and Matthew had torn the room apart and essentially trashed it, he told me that Aunt Katie had made him mad, and that he was getting back at her for it. Such is the wisdom of a four-year-old...

So...the venerable Aunt Katie got married back in September, and she had the bravery (some may call it balls!) to invite the kids along to enjoy the festivities. Not only was this the boys' first occasion to wear ties, it became the social event of the fall for them. Let me say, for the record, that both Chris and Matthew were absolute angels throughout the reception and ceremony, and that they are both dance MACHINES!

The video shows off just how cute they (and their respective girlfriends) were that night. If you had the good fortune to attend Holly's and my wedding, you may recognize the music as " 'Til I Die" by Dayroom. This classic wedding song has become a staple at weddings among our UGA friends. Though not widely known, I hope it gets some added exposure here. Enjoy!

Take Me Out to the Ballgame!

A few weeks ago I added a post about Chris taking Karate, and indicated that there is simply nothing cuter than 4-to-six-year-olds kicking and punching their way through a Karate class. I was wrong...

As it turns out, the cutest thing I've seen to-date is kids of the same age playing baseball! Chris joined a T-ball team this fall, and last night was his first game. They actually had two weeks of pre-season so they could learn the fundamentals (like which base they're supposed to run to!), and now we're into the real season. The season will last six weeks (give or take), and he'll have two games each week.

Chris's team, the Braves, will take on teams like the Diamondbacks, Midshipmen, and Aztecs. They sound pretty ferocious until you realize that they can just barely keep their batting helmets on!

The most hysterical thing is that this baseball is NOT tee-ball...it's coach-pitch! The coach throws three pitches to the kids who, if they don't make contact, then have the option to hit off of a tee. What shocked me the most was the number of kids who actually hit the ball that was pitched...some of these kids look like Babe Ruth! :-)

Anyway, I've compiled the requisite video footage of the game and posted it below. Enjoy!

I Got (Re) Married in my Flip-Flops!

How cool is this? First of all, Holly and I have been attending Mountain Lake Church for just a shade under two years now. It's one of the new breed of modern churches: rock-and-roll music, casual atmosphere, etc. You can even wear flip-flops if you want...hence the title of this post. The church's tagline (if you want to call it that...they call it their mission statement) is: "Changing The Way People Think About Church." Never have truer words been spoken. Since we started going there, the pastors have proven themselves time and again to be both outstanding communicators and exceptionally well-versed in theology. While I don't always agree with everything they say (some of the church's roots are in the Baptist tradition, and I was raised Lutheran/Presbyterian), I've nonetheless found them to be wonderfully encouraging, deeply insightful, and incredibly timely. All of that leads me to this...

As part of the church's recent series, "The Marriage Project," we had an opportunity to review our wedding vows as part of a group ceremony that served as the culmination of the message series. I originally thought that perhaps it would be a bit awkward to stand at the front of the church with 40-50 other couples, but it turned out to be an amazingly intimate moment for everyone. It was really quite inspirational, and served as a great reminder of how much Holly and I love one another. It was also a nice kick in the pants to remind us to show that love on a daily basis. Since no one who reads this blog was there for the actual event, I thought I'd share a copy of the vows from the service:

"Before God and all these witnesses; I’m renewing my commitment to love you; I promise to believe in you; I promise to leave everything and cleave only to you; I promise to love you. And I promise to submit to you. I promise to cherish you as God’s gift to me. I promise to respect you; and accept our differences. I promise to forgive you. I promise to pray for you and encourage you. I promise to grow in loving God with you. I love you with all of my heart and I always will; whether rich or poor; in sickness and health; as long as we both shall live."

It was truly an amazing and memorable day, and I'm thankful every minute for the incredible gifts that are my wife and family. I love you all!

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting!

Ever since he was a Power Ranger for Halloween last year, Chris has wanted to chop, kick, and punch his way through any and all bad guys. So what did we do? We enrolled him in karate classes, of course!

He's been in class for the past several weeks (there were a couple of local elections thrown in that screwed up the schedule), and I can't believe how well-disciplined he is. My folks are always telling me how strange it is that my sisters are completely bonkers at home, yet their teachers swear they're the best-behaved, most well-mannered kids they've ever met...I'm starting to understand it now. Apparently, kids only want to impress adults OTHER than their parents, a fact made all-too-clear during the past few weeks of class. That aside, here's my main point: if you've ever wondered exactly what is the definition of hysterical, look no further than a group of four- to six-year-olds taking karate!

These kids are running around like crazy, chopping, jumping, and punching at anything that moves. Until, that is, Sensei Charles rolls in. Sensei Charles is a bad-ass! The guy's got a black belt and an attitude that would make Chuck Norris wet himself (with apologies to Chuck, just in case he's reading this...). From the first minute he walked into class, it was evident...there would be ZERO screwing around in this class. His first rule is that you always answer with "Yes Sir!" or "No Sir!" I love that! The only other rule is that if he catches you screwing around, you've got to sit on your knees with your feet under your butt for five minutes. Doesn't sound like too much trouble...until you've tried it! This move is uncomfortable on carpet, so I can only imagine what it would be like on the hard linoleum floor they work out on. OUCH!

Anway, to make a long story short...Sensei Charles whipped these little monkeys into shape a ridiculous pace, and I'm duly impressed. I also have the feeling that Chris will be taking karate for quite a while now, and that I'm officially the Dad of Christopher-san!

What's that? You'd like pictures and maybe a video? Can do! Here you go...

Want to See What's Under My Skirt?

No, this isn't some kind of sick come on, nor is it a cross-dressing site (bet THAT'LL get the search engines linking to my blog...hmmm...). It's just a damned funny story about Chris's girlfriend, Annabeth.

As I've mentioned, last week was the kids' first week of Pre-K. Part of that first week was a refresher course on colors, how they work, what happens when you mix them, etc. A key part of the week was that everyone was supposed to dress in a particular color each day. Wednesday was Orange day.

Now...if you know ANYTHING about me at all, you know what a major feat it is to locate an item of orange clothing in my house (GO DAWGS!). Such is NOT the case at Annabeth's house...her folks are Clemson fans, and for some reason seem to think that orange is a particularly lovely color, especially when mixed with purple (WTF?!?).

So...I've told you all of that to tell you this:

We go to pick the boys up from school, and all of the kids are out on the playground. Before I've even seen Chris, Annabeth comes running up to me and yells, "Mr. Brian! Mr. Brian! Want to see what's under my skirt?!?" HOLY CRAP! How do you answer this question without falling down laughing? I did my best, and said something to the effect that it's not really cool to show other people what's under your skirt. Meanwhile, the teacher is in absolute hysterics laughing her butt off!

Thankfully, Annabeth's mom showed up about two seconds later. After relating the story to her, you can probably imagine my relief when she informed me that what was under Annabeth's skirt was in fact...SHORTS! Apparently, one of the other little girls in class had been running around showing off her panties when she was wearing skirts, and Annabeth thought it would be best if she kept that kind of thing to herself by providing a little extra coverage. Too funny!

Thanks for the laughs, Annabeth!

Jump Around!

Last weekend was Chris's friend Alex's 5th birthday, and we joined Alex and friends over at one of those cool jumpy places. Actually, it ended up being at the same place where we had Chris's 4th birthday party, which worked out great since the camera we had at that event didn't do a very good job with indoor photography.

This time around, I'm happy to say that we got some great pictures. More importantly, though, we got some awesome VIDEO! Enjoy!

Pre-K...Let's Get It Started!

It's official...Christopher is now a member of First Academy's Georgia Pre-K Class of 2009! :-) We woke up extra early this morning, had a little breakfast, and sauntered off to school. What a site! There were parents EVERYWHERE, and the kids were absolutely chomping at the bit to get in to their class (bet that's the last time THAT happens!). Completely cute!

Here's a little video memento of the occasion...enjoy!

Ring of Fire!

Alright...I'm REALLY not sure how this came to pass, but the boys are absolutely OBSESSED with Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. I played it a couple of times in the car one day, and the next thing I know, they're asking for it by name on a daily basis!

It's strange enough that my 4 1/2-year-old and 2-year-old are making musical requests in the car other than The Wiggles or Sandra Boynton, but to have it be The Man in Black? Crazy! Think that's all the craziness I could cram into one posting? WRONG!

As it turns out, the boys have now mastered the art of Karaoke, too! Check out their rockin' Ring of Fire music video:

Pajama Time!

Today is sort of a bittersweet day at our house: it's Chris's last day of preschool before starting Pre-K!

Granted, he'll be attending Pre-K at the same school, so the geography doesn't change, but the fact of the matter is that he's now officially a big kid! We've been going around and around trying to figure out how he got so big so quickly. Add to this the fact that my oldest sister is about to go off to college (I'm 13 years older than she is), and you've got a perfect recipe for feeling seriously old!

All that being said, though, I really should get to the point of my post for today: my kids are too damned cute! Their classes had end-of-summer parties today, and the kids were encouraged to dress in their jammies for a "Pajama Day." The boys were, of course, completely adorable, and I feel compelled to share pictures.

Enjoy!

George Carlin...A Genius Departed

I read with great sadness today that George Carlin, the comic genius behind such characters as Al Sleet the Hippy-Dippy Weatherman and his alter-ego, Filmore, from the movie Cars, passed away yesterday afternoon.

There were lots of things I didn't know about him - he was originally part of a stand-up DUO, he was once a very conservative individual - but I do know this...he forever changed the way that I think about the language I use on a daily basis, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

His take on euphemisms, feminist ideology, politics, and the idiocy of humanity were also brilliant, as were his observations on everyday life. Among my favorite "Carlin-isms" are:

• On feminist philosophy - "I happen to agree with most of the femist philosophy that I've read. I agree, for instance, that man kind ought to be human kind. And that chairman ought to be chairperson. But they take it too far. They take themselves too seriously. They want me to call that cover in the street a person-hole cover. I think that's taking it a little too far!"
• On bad breath - "Anyone can have bad breath, Marge, but you could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon!"
• On air travel - "They tell me to get on the airplane. I say 'Fuck You!' I'm getting IN the airplane!"
• On socially awkward situations - "Have you ever been at a party...where you have to yell at the top of your lungs just to be heard by the person standing next to you. But then all of the sudden...everyone else seems to stop talking at the same time...and only YOUR voice can be heard? 'RIGHT! RIGHT! I KNOW...WELL, WHAT I'M GONNA' DO IS, I'M GONNA' HAVE MY TESTICLES LAMINATED!'"
• On things you don't want to hear - "Honey? Remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks?"
• More things you don't want to hear - "I'M PREGNANT, YOU'RE THE FATHER, AND I'M GONNA' KILL ALL THREE OF US!"
• On things you never see - "You never see a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says 'Shit Happens.'"

And my personal favorite:

• On things you never see - "I know things you don't see. There are lots of things you don't see. And you don't know you don't see 'em 'cause you don't see 'em. You've gotta' see something first to know you never saw it. Then you see it and say, 'Hey! I never saw that...' Too late...you just saw it!"

Rest in peace, George. You'll be missed!

Merging of the Blogs!

So I've officially decided that having/maintaining (or NOT maintaining, as the case appears to be) two blogs is a royal pain in the rump.

Call me lazy. Call me shiftless. Call me a slacker...whatever. Following in the heroic footsteps of mega corporations everyone, I'm merging my rantings from BriDawgBlog with the good-natured slapstick comedy of my children here at Damn That Kid's Funny.

"What new features can we expect to see?" you ask? None, really. It's just that I sometimes have a hard time determining where to put particular posts, and I'm getting bored with it. That being said, welcome to the new, beefier, decidedly-unimproved Damn That Kid's Funny!

I hope you enjoy my rantings...have a nice day!

The Two-Handed Handshake

Originally posted August 24, 2007...

So what the hell is the deal with the two-handed handshake? I've met two people in the past two days who have greeted me with this decidedly less-than-typical hand embrace, and I'm kind of wigged out by it. It's like they're trying to give my hands a hug or something!

Don't misunderstand, I'm all about greeting someone with a friendly handshake, but it seems a bit presumptuous to assume that my hand needs the extra coddling while we're meeting for the first time.

So the next time you see me running around, please greet me with either a manly high-five or the standard one-handed shake. Thanks...

Even Funnier!

Originally posted August 1, 2007...

Holy crap! I just listened to the recording of Congressman Tancredo's "speech." This has got to be the funniest thing in the history of the world. It's funny enough that he chose a family restaurant with an audience of "more than 30" for his rantings, but the recording offers even more insight into the goings-on.

The recorder is either being held by or is located in close proximity to someone with a whopping case of emphysema. We are reminded of this fact by the perpetual stream of deep-chested coughs emanating from this particular listener throughout the recording. Not only that, but in the background you can clearly hear a waitress discussing menu options with one table, then dropping the check at another.

Seriously, people, this is what makes the internet the greatest tool of our generation!

There Are Simply No Words...

Originally posted August 1, 2007...

So I just finished reading an online article that Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo, apparently a "candidate" for the GOP presidential nomination, has decided that in the event of a Muslim-inspired nuclear attack on the United States he would initiate an immediate counter-attack against key Muslim holy shrines such as Mecca and Medina.

First of all, this little bit of foreign policy is SO stolen from the vice president in the last season of "24," and it was quite the little bit of douchebaggery even in fiction. Second, and perhaps most hysterically, he gave this speech to "nearly 30 people Tuesday morning at the Family Table restaurant." !!!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?

Was this actually a PLANNED speech? Who the hell hosts a political rally at what I can only assume is a buffet? I can see it now... "President Bush today hosted a $7.49 a plate fundraiser for Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. Ringo's Old Town Buffet and Biat Shop played host to the no-tie, wifebeater optional event." Seriously...this guy is a flaming retard.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled porn surfing. Have a nice day!

Death by Pussy...Cat!

Originally posted July 27, 2007...

So I'm sitting there minding my own business at lunch yesterday, and a story comes on CNN about this cat who "predicts" the death of folks confined to the old folks home where he lives. It turns out that this particular cat, Oscar, has a knack for knowing when the old folks are about to kick off. To showcase his talent, he'll sneak into a patient's room and lie down on their bed with them. According to doctors, this usually lets hospital staff know that they have about 4 hours to get that patient's things together, contact the next of kin and fire up the ol' crematorium. Weird, I know, but here's what I'm thinking...

The cat is actually KILLING the people! I know what you're thinking..."It's just a harmless little kitty! What harm could it possibly do?!?" Well, didn't you ever see Stephen King's "Cat's Eye" with the cat whose owners are constantly kicking off due to strange/unique circumstances? (Admittedly, one of those deaths is the result of a wacky little troll guy, but I digress...) How about "Pet Sematary," where Herman Munster helps his new neighbor bury and reincarnate a roadkill gato? And even in more recent times with Shrek II? Puss in Boots is a stone cold killer before Shrek and Donkey go extra-medieval on his ass!

So my final warning here is CAT OWNERS AND OLD FOLKS BEWARE!!! Oscar and his buddies are out there, and they've got a serious case of bloodlust!

Further Proof of My Nerddom...For Shame!

Originally posted April 23, 2007...

I got all PO'd by a letter I received today saying something to the effect of "a myriad of something-or-other." Until recently, this has been a pet-peeve of mine as I'd heard that the word was originally intended to refer to an actual number: 10,000. With this bee in my bonnet, I looked it up on Webster's and found the following: I'm so ashamed!

Holy Crap! I'm a Tree Hugger!

Originally posted March 1, 2007...

Holy crap indeed! Last week I was making my traditional early-morning oatmeal at the office, and one of the tree hugger-types came by and made a comment about my using a stryofoam cup to do it. I shot back a snide remark about probably using another cup later in the day to make my hot chocolate, and it hit me...I'm being an eco-asshole!

Now I realize that these days all of the Hollywood crazies are hyping eco-friendly cars like the (shudder) Prius, and that we're all pretty sick and tired of them preaching to us about protecting the environment, studying Kaballah, etc., since they don't really live in the real world. BUT...I'm starting to think they may have a point when it comes to protecting the environment and limiting the amount of crapola that we put back into the Earth. It hit me today as yet again I made my morning oatmeal in a styrofoam cup. I looked around the office and saw about a zillion other cups of the same type and realized that by next week they'd be rotting in some landfill and taking 300 years to decompose (or whatever they take these days). Now I feel like a douche because I can only imagine how many other cups just like this will be thrown away today alone, not to mention over the next 20 years. God almighty...by the time my kids have kids, they'll be playing "King of the Crap Heap" instead of "King of the Mountain."

I'm not sure how to do anything real about this, but I'm going to stop using these cups today...right after my hot chocolate...and start using real bowls and coffee cups. Wonder if I can convince anyone to join me on my little crusade...??

Hanakwanzamas Tree?

Originally posted December 13, 2006...

So I was flipping through CNN.com today, and found a hilarious article by Lou Dobbs that made me reflect on my rantings of a year ago. Just for poops and giggles, I thought I'd copy his article for your enjoyment here, as well as re-post my holiday bitch-fest from last year for a few additional giggles (and their associated poops). Enjoy!

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Merry Christmas! That's right, Merry Christmas. Whether you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, agnostic, pagan, barbarian or whatever, Merry Christmas! It's what most of us say in this country come this time of year. It's about who we are, where we are and where we've been. And all the namby-pamby, little sensitive darlings among us who can't handle this verbal assault on their delicate senses should immediately begin seeking emergency psychiatric care.

This week we were treated to the spectacle of an easily offended and highly offensive rabbi who walked into an airport, gazed upon Christmas trees all around him and suddenly was overwhelmed with an immense, and apparently irresistible, urge to sue the management of the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport because nowhere among all the Christmas trees was a single menorah. Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky of the Chabad-Lubavitch movement of Seattle even delivered to the airport's management a draft of a lawsuit he would file if they didn't sprinkle menorahs around the Christmas trees.

Political correctness in this country reached an entirely new level of absurdity some years ago. But occasionally, and the situation at Sea-Tac is just such an occasion, we exceed ourselves. The militant fundamentalist rabbi so flummoxed Sea-Tac management with his threat and their perceived obligation to be "politically correct" that, rather than think rationally or simply tell him to stuff it, they started hacking away at all those artificial Christmas trees and quickly descended into a public relations nightmare in which they managed to offend reason, cultural values and the vast majority of Americans.

As CNN senior legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin told me, "The Supreme Court has held since 1984, the famous 'Reindeer Rule,' that if a symbol of Christmas is mostly secular, like a reindeer or a Christmas tree or Santa Claus, that is not a violation of the separation of church and state." The irony that escaped the rabid rabbi and the timid Sea-Tac management team is that the Christmas tree's likely origin dates back to pre-Christian pagan cultures. The Christmas tree is not by any means a religious symbol, and when we're honest about it, the tree's become a purely commercial symbol more closely associated with shopping, roasting chestnuts and guzzling eggnog than a nativity scene with baby Jesus.

And hang on, Christians, because you're in 21st Century America, and our culture celebrates your holiest day of the year with such insensitive gusto that our economy would suffer a serious setback if your religious sensibilities were as easily offended as those of the litigious rabbi. More than 140 million shoppers spent an average of about $360 on Black Friday alone, the day after Thanksgiving and the unofficial kickoff to the Christmas shopping season, according to the National Retail Federation. And all those Christmas shoppers are expected to spend nearly a half-trillion dollars this shopping season.

Now if I were a fundamentalist Christian, that might strike me as a little politically incorrect. And I think all of you folks should think about suing somebody. You know, get in the spirit of the season.

This mindless movement of political correctness at all costs is one of the most un-American and crazy twists in our culture as anything we've witnessed. Remember, we're Americans, and we have freedom of speech, that whole life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness thing. Or at least we did.

And I hope you'll celebrate the Christmas season by offending someone. If you're Jewish, how about a hearty "Happy Hanukkah" to a good Christian? If they're offended you've revealed a fool, not such a good Christian and someone you shouldn't waste your expression of good will upon. But get ready for a few robust "Merry Christmas" calls to be thrown your way as well. The operators of the Seattle-Tacoma airport quickly righted a potentially dreadful wrong. The rabbi decided not to file a suit, Christmas trees have sprung back up throughout the concourse, and no, not a single menorah has been spotted. I can only hope this is the beginning of a major movement in America, one that regards thinking as paramount to phony feelings and heightened self-centered sensitivities. Common sense and judgment should always reign supreme over political correctness, no matter what the current trend.

And, my gosh, even Wal-Mart this year has abandoned its generic, politically correct "Happy Holidays" greeting in favor of "Merry Christmas." I'm starting to think this may be the season to be jolly after all. Ho, ho, ho. To all, a Merry Christmas. OK, and a Happy Hanukkah, too.

And here's mine...
Welcome to holiday season, 2005! It's time once again for the annual "What do I call my tree?" festival! All over the news this season you're bound to see stories about government buildings and their employees' quagmire...Are they holiday trees? Christmas trees? Happy Hanakwanzamas trees? Non-denominational festival of pine-scented artificial trees trees?Isn't it about time that we started calling them what they are? These are CHRISTMAS TREES ladies and gentlemen! Now I know what you're going to say..."But there are millions of people in America who don't celebrate Christmas, aren't Christian, or just flat don't believe that the government should force the holiday down their throats!" I say, BULLSHIT! While I'm certainly sympathetic to the fact that not everyone celebrates Christmas, the simple fact is that there are a lot of people who DO! The fact that not everyone celebrates the season is no reason to keep ANYONE from celebrating it. That's like saying I can't have cake on my birthday because you feel left out that it's not YOUR birthday!But wait...what about that whole pesky "separation of Church and State" issue? Pretty simple, really. The founding fathers created the separation of Church and State in an effort to snuff out any attempts to create a theocratic government. I'm fairly certain, however, that they did NOT intend to snuff out any and all religious leanings within the people running the show! Plainly put, the lighting of a Christmas tree at city hall is NOT a precursor to some sort of overthrow of the government by God's footsoldiers. It's simply a pleasant reminder that there are in fact people who celebrate Christmas. Time to let go of the anger here, people. Please feel free to celebrate whatever holiday you celebrate when it's time. If you want the government buildings in your area to plant a giant chick pea plant in celebration of Garbonzo Bean Awareness Month or something, it's your responsibility to bring that idea up. The trees are there because the constituency made their voices heard and elected individuals who believe in the Christmas holiday. It's that simple.Have a nice day...

Dirty Little Monkeys

Originally posted March 30, 2006...

So a buddy of mine recently hooked me up with a sitemeter for this blog so I could find out if anyone actually cared. As it turns out, at least 28 people have cared in the past week.

Very cool...until I found out what it was that drove a majority of them to my site. In the past, I have blogged about Pee Holes and The Shocker. While I was familiar with why The Shocker might cause some interest, I was a little confused by the Pee Hole constituency.

I couldn't understand why so many people were interested in what I considered to be a very benign topic...until I Googled "pee holes." HOLY SHIT! I couldn't believe some of the things I was reading, let alone the pictures that came along with them! The first link that popped up was for someone's "pee hole stretching story," and how they'd come to love the act of stretching out a considerably sensitive area.

Now, I consider myself pretty open-minded, but seriously people...you are REALLY whacked out if you're into this kind of stuff! What is it exactly that drives people to:

1. Even think about how to achieve this kind of activity
2. Not think to themselves...that would be pretty F-ed up
3. Do it anyway
4. Write about it and post it on the WORLD WIDE WEB?!?

Freedom of speech is not dead, ladies and gentlemen, and there's someone out there with a stretched out johnson to prove it!

Was That You?

Originally posted March 15, 2006...

So here's a thought that I had the other day while taking a whiz... There's another guy in there at the same time, and he's taking a massive dump, the size of which would make an elephant proud. The stench is burning my nose hairs, and the first thing that comes to mind is...I've gotta' get the hell out of here!

The second thing that crosses my mind is this...what would have happened if he'd finished his crapola and left before I had the chance to finish my whiz? I pictured myself walking out of the bathroom at the same time someone else was walking in, and facing the awkward moment where the stench hits them full in the face while they try to put a face to the stink.

Is he really going to believe that it WASN'T me? There's no way to convince him otherwise, so I figure I'm pretty much screwed. 'Course, it could be an awful lot of fun to take credit for the ass-stank, too. Guess it just depends where you work.

Either way, I always wondered what the appropriate protocol is for something like that. Do you ignore it like an awkward moment at a party, or do you stand tall and proclaim, "DAMN! Ol' Steve sure lit one up in there, didn't he? Stinky bastard!"? Think I'll test that one out sometime and see how it goes...

Previously Enjoyed

Originally posted February 23, 2006...

I heard an absolutely hysterical ad this morning, and felt compelled to share it. The ad was for a car dealership offering great deals on "previously enjoyed" cars.

I'm officially calling bullshit here. I mean, exactly how many different ways can we call something "used" and still get away with it. Calling a car used means that it is exactly that...a vehicle that someone else has used in the past to get from point A to point B. What/whom else they did in the car is really secondary to the vehicle's ability to maintain is functional use. What exactly was the previous owner enjoying while driving this car? Cheeseburgers? Littering? Road head? Who knows?

Since it's simply a method of conveyance, a car really does not deserve the "enjoyed" moniker. But it does beg the question...what does deserve the title? Leftover pizza? Movies purchased from the rental store? Hookers? I can hear it now... "Billionaire heiress Paris Hilton today received a much needed revirginization of her previously enjoyed beav."

Maybe I'm just reading too much into this and getting a bit off topic, but seriously...let's just called Paris Hilton what she is...used up!

One Size Fits...Most?

Originally posted January 30, 2006...

I discovered an interesting label on a hat today, and felt compelled to write something about it. The label in question read, "One Size Fits Most." This struck me as odd, as I recalled the good old days of "one size fits all." But it begged the question...when exactly did we lose the "all" part of the equation? I read recently that somewhere near 50% of the US populace is officially considered overweight, but all that means is that being overweight is now considered average. Congratulations if you're trying to be "average," Mr. Fat Man...you've made it! But I digress...

The point I'm getting at is that there are freaks amongst us whose noggins simply will not fit a traditionally-sized hat. Which begs another question...where does someone like this find appropriate headgear? Are there stores out there who, in the tradition of big and tall fashionistas, cater to the melon-headed? If so, what are they called, and where do we find them? Texas has always been a bastion of large-scale people, products, etc., so I'm assuming such a store would exist there. Where else could we get the notion of the 10-gallon hat?

Maybe I'm just rambling here, but there's an image I can't get out of my head after reading that label...South Park's Mr. Mackey (mmmkay?). King of the larger than life cranium, this guy would DEFINITELY benefit from the Texas-sized hat emporium (King Cranium's? Hydrocephalics 'R' Us? Big Head Todd & The Monsters?)!

Just realized that I've made absolutely no sense here, so I'll close for now. Thanks for reading...

The Pissgasm (Revisited)

Originally posted January 9, 2006...

A few months ago my buddy Dave blogged about a unique phenomenon that he nicknamed "The Pissgasm." The phenomenon occurs when you've been holding back a whiz for waaaaaaay longer than you should, resulting in an almost orgasmic rush of urine when you finally let fly. An interesting occurrence, no doubt.

So...being extremely busy and yet more than capable of chugging down a giant Dr. Pepper chased with about a gallon of water, I found myself in the excruciating position of reeeeeally needing to make a pit stop today. Flashing back to the Pissgasm blog, I was really looking forward to this particular trip in spite of the stalking cleaning lady. So in I go to visit ol' john, and things occur as normal...AS NORMAL! How pissed off (pun COMPLETELY intended here) was I to NOT experience the promised Pissgasm?

In what can only be described as a case of urinary blue balls, I retreated to the relative comfort of my cubicle dazed, confused and a little bit sad. My question is this...we all know the various methods of relieving blue balls, but what do we do in this particular situation? Do we chug more and more water, hold it in as long as possible, and pray for blessed release? Do we curse the urinal gods for the cruel hand they've dealt us, or do we curse Dave for putting this idea in our heads in the first place?

Perhaps there is no right or wrong answer, but one thing's for sure...blue balls suck regardless of the source!

No Iran, Those are MY Missiles!

Originally posted January 3, 2006...

Has anyone else ever wondered why it is that the US and its allies are the only ones allowed to have nuclear ("It's pronounced NEW-kyuh-ler." - Homer Simpson) weapons anymore? I was watching the news during lunch today, and one of the headline stories was that Iran was looking to re-up their nuclear program.

How dare they? Don't they know that W has strictly forbidden even the slightest THOUGHT of nuclear research by so-called "rogue nations?" What the hell is that about, anyway? That's like the neighborhood bully saying that you're not allowed to have hands because you might be able to fight back against him if/when he decides he's going to kick your ass. Sure, you might be willing to use those same hands for seemingly mindless tasks such as eating, grasping needed objects, etc., but all he sees is the imminent threat.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of the notion that Oomgallah bin Waddy Mow Mow may have access to the most destructive force known to man, but it hardly seems fair for anyone to tell him he can't. You know what we did when the British told us we couldn't have arms, tea, or voting rights of our own? That's right...we told 'em to go fuck themselves! Then we doled out a big 'ol helping of 18th century Whoopass and went our merry little way.

The way I see it, these "rogue nations" are a lot like a two-year old. They want what you tell them they can't have. And they'll do everything in their power to prove to you that they can handle whatever it is you tell them they can't have...even if it's something that can kill them and every other living thing on the planet.

The fact is, the Iranians most likely ARE thinking of using nuclear technology for weapons development in the long run, but it's going to be in the interest of self-preservation and deterrance. If we know they have the Bomb, says their logic, we'll leave them pretty much alone in much the same way we did with the former Soviet Union. Ever see the movie War Games (http://imdb.com/title/tt0086567/) with Matthew Broderick? He teaches some wise-ass computer that the only way to win the game of global thermonuclear war is "not to play." Same thing here, really.

So, Oomgallah bin Waddy Mow Mow, go ahead and do your nuclear research. Just know that Uncle Sam is pissed as all Hell about it, and that you'd better not make weapons-grade material out of it. We've all seen what happens when we think someone has weapons of mass destruction hiding out somewhere...

The Cleaning Lady is Stalking Me

Originally posted January 3, 2006...

So my office has one of those full-time cleaning people whose job is to go around cleaning up after us slobbish oafs. She's phenomenally quick at picking up on any little mess, and indeed seems to have some kind of radar for detecting them. She has a lovely little conveyance that carries her trash cans, brooms, mops, cleaning supplies, and the like; you can usually hear her coming a mile away with this contraption. The familiar CLICK CLACK BUMP RUMBLE of her cart's approach lets you know that you're not safe anywhere...she could be coming to clean your desk RIGHT NOW!

The problem with this particular individual is that she has a knack for knowing EXACTLY when I have to use the restroom. Here's how the process usually goes: I'll be sitting at my desk minding my own business when suddenly nature calls. I calmly arise from my desk and stroll leisurely towards the nearest restroom (conveniently located about a country MILE from my desk!). I arrive in the restroom and commence the flow, when suddenly (but not suprisingly) I hear that old familiar sound...CLICK CLACK BUMP RUMBLE. "Please let her go to the ladies room first," I think to myself, "and let me whiz in peace for once!" No sooner has this thought crossed my nimble little mind, however, than I hear yet another old familiar sound. In what can only be described as a Tommy Boy-esque scene (remember the old "Housekeeping?" gag?), there is a gentle rap at the door. Never accompanied by any verbal warning, the door swings open ever so slightly to reveal...not a face just yet, but rather a blue feather duster indicating an intention to clean the restroom. I jump ever so slightly (just enough to get a tell-tale dab of whiz on the old pantaloons), and shout out "There's someone in here!" The feather duster beats a hasty retreat, presumably to the ladies room, and I'm left to tend to my whiz-soaked trousers and fragile sense of privacy.

I know what you're thinking...she's got to be on some kind of cleaning schedule, and my dirty little business just happens to coincide with her timing, right? EH EH. As nature is wont to do, the timing of these little episodes varies greatly depending on myriad factors (water intake, work load, conference calls, etc.), and there's never any telling what time I'll be able to arise. The only thing I'm certain of is that three seconds into my flow I'll hear the old battle cry..."CLICK CLACK BUMP RUMBLE."

I'm still trying to decide whether this is just a coincidence, or whether the big urinal in the sky has some greater plan that is drawing our paths to one another. Either way, I'm sure of this... if I ever whiz all over the wall/floor/ceiling/whatever, I'm CERTAIN that there will be a wise old feather duster-wielding sage to clean up after me.

Reply to All

Originally posted January 3, 2006...

What the hell is the deal with people who hit the "reply to all" button when replying to an e-mail? Here I take the good time to be perfectly lazy and send out a blanket message to a group of people, and I expect individualized responses. Not happening, though... These self-centered bastards figure that EVERYONE must certainly care about their response. As such, they decide to share it with the world.

This is much worse in the workplace, as e-mails frequently get forwarded. Now, not only do people have to sift through my original e-mail to get the information they need, they have to sit through 40 pages of other people's bullshit just to get there!

Just a couple of quick thoughts to those of you who are guilty of this:

1. If you're going to reply to all, at least have the decency to erase the other hooplah that comes along with your e-mail (ie, original mailing lists, your personal stationery, etc.)
2. You're taking up other people's valuable time by being a douche...time that could easily be spent/wasted in other ways (ie, internet porn, hijacking music, etc.)
3. Please just STOP!

Say Bob, What Kind of Tree is That?

Originally posted December 8, 2005...

Welcome to holiday season, 2005! It's time once again for the annual "What do I call my tree?" festival! All over the news this season you're bound to see stories about government buildings and their employees' quagmire...

Are they holiday trees? Christmas trees? Happy Hanakwanzamas trees? Non-denominational festival of pine-scented artificial trees trees?

Isn't it about time that we started calling them what they are? These are CHRISTMAS TREES ladies and gentlemen! Now I know what you're going to say..."But there are millions of people in America who don't celebrate Christmas, aren't Christian, or just flat don't believe that the government should force the holiday down their throats!" I say, BULLSHIT! While I'm certainly sympathetic to the fact that not everyone celebrates Christmas, the simple fact is that there are a lot of people who DO! The fact that not everyone celebrates the season is no reason to keep ANYONE from celebrating it. That's like saying I can't have cake on my birthday because you feel left out that it's not YOUR birthday!

But wait...what about that whole pesky "separation of Church and State" issue? Pretty simple, really. The founding fathers created the separation of Church and State in an effort to snuff out any attempts to create a theocratic government. I'm fairly certain, however, that they did NOT intend to snuff out any and all religious leanings within the people running the show! Plainly put, the lighting of a Christmas tree at city hall is NOT a precursor to some sort of overthrow of the government by God's footsoldiers. It's simply a pleasant reminder that there are in fact people who celebrate Christmas.

Time to let go of the anger here, people. Please feel free to celebrate whatever holiday you celebrate when it's time. If you want the government buildings in your area to plant a giant chick pea plant in celebration of Garbonzo Bean Awareness Month or something, it's your responsibility to bring that idea up. The trees are there because the constituency made their voices heard and elected individuals who believe in the Christmas holiday. It's that simple.

Have a nice day...

Suicidal Assholes!

Originally posted December 7, 2005...

In yet another fine example of what Darwin would call survival of the fittest, some asshole recently boarded an airplane in Miami claiming to have a bomb in his bag. He was subesquently shot and killed by federal air marshalls.

A couple of quick thoughts on this: 1. This guy absolutely deserved what he got...what an asshole! 2. The media will go absolutely apeshit over this during the coming weeks.

Point number one really speaks for itself, I think. I mean, really...what an asshole! Not only was he too weak to pull the trigger/pop the pills/string the rope himself, but he inconvenienced an entire PLANE full of people as well. Now all 180 passengers (if the flight was full) have to sit in the plane while they wait for it to be searched etc., all while the people who are waiting for them to arrive have to sit around with their thums in their butts while they wait even longer. To say nothing of the other incoming/outgoing flights that will be delayed by this ignorant boob!

This runs along the same lines as the douchebags who intentionally get pulled over by the police, only to pull a plastic cap gun or something on the officer, leading to their inevitable "assisted suicide." Ladies and gentlemen, if you're too lazy to kill yourself, please just do the rest of us a favor and lay around on your couch until you starve to death or something. Making your suicide a matter of public delay and interruption just makes world hate you more than you already thought it did.

Moral of the story...don't be a douche. If you want to kill yourself...fine. Just leave the rest of us out of it.

Have a nice day...

There's An Evil Monkey Living in My Closet!

Originally posted December 1, 2005...

Not really, but I have to say that the evil monkey living in Chris's closet on Family Guy is quite possibly the funniest thing ever commited to film (or cartoon, or whatever...). The ridiculous thing about this guy is that he never utters a word; he just sits there pointing and grimmacing violently in Chris's direction. No point here, really. He's just fucking hysterical! Have a nice day...

The Pee Hole

Originally posted November 22, 2005...

So I'm in the bathroom the other day, minding my own business, and what do I see? Some big fat guy with his pants practically around his frickin' ANKLES standing at the urinal taking a leak! What the hell is this all about?

The last time I checked, pants came with a zipper. Along these same lines, the majority of undergarments come fully equipped with a "pee hole," a nicely stitched zone that conveniently opens to allow passage of one's johnson. By simply applying the "unzip and flip" method of pulling one's sausage through the pee hole and subsequent zipper hole, any normal adult male can pretty much take care of things without needing to share the spectacle of his ass cheeks unceremoniously flapping in the breeze.

What the hell was this guy thinking? I couldn't begin to say... What I CAN say is that it's time for this particular gentleman (and others like him) to progress beyond the pre-school "rip 'em down and whip it out" methodolgy. There's a new school, fellas, and it's time you picked up the book and pulled up your pants!

Have a nice day...

The Shocker!

Originally posted November 21, 2005...

My wife and I are huge Georgia Bulldog fans. This weekend, we attended the annual "Let's kick Kentucky's ass and laugh at them" game and had a blast. If you're familiar with college football at all, you already know that our quarterback this year is a senior named DJ Shockley. The kid's got talent, and will undoubtedly go far in his professional career. The problem with DJ, though, is his unfortunate surname. Shockley came to prominence just as a new and innovative sexual technique has come (heh heh) to the forefront with those of us whose minds are filthy (http://davidpbrown.net/).

I'm talking about, of course, The Shocker. For the uninitiated, the Shocker is a manuever whereby the male inserts his index and middle fingers into his partner's vagina, while simultaneously inserting his pinkie into her butthole (also known as "Two In The Bush, One In The Tush...thanks Dave!). The "Shocker" portion, of course, is the typical end-result of the maneuver...the young lady's inevitable screech of surprise and subsequent submission. The reason I bring this up is not just to educate, but also to share the following picture. This guy is a GENIUS, and I thank him for sharing with the rest of the world. To you, unknown purveyor of filth and prurient interest, I say "Thank You!" Your contributions to society will not go unnoticed. Have a nice day...