George Carlin...A Genius Departed

I read with great sadness today that George Carlin, the comic genius behind such characters as Al Sleet the Hippy-Dippy Weatherman and his alter-ego, Filmore, from the movie Cars, passed away yesterday afternoon.

There were lots of things I didn't know about him - he was originally part of a stand-up DUO, he was once a very conservative individual - but I do know this...he forever changed the way that I think about the language I use on a daily basis, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

His take on euphemisms, feminist ideology, politics, and the idiocy of humanity were also brilliant, as were his observations on everyday life. Among my favorite "Carlin-isms" are:

• On feminist philosophy - "I happen to agree with most of the femist philosophy that I've read. I agree, for instance, that man kind ought to be human kind. And that chairman ought to be chairperson. But they take it too far. They take themselves too seriously. They want me to call that cover in the street a person-hole cover. I think that's taking it a little too far!"
• On bad breath - "Anyone can have bad breath, Marge, but you could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon!"
• On air travel - "They tell me to get on the airplane. I say 'Fuck You!' I'm getting IN the airplane!"
• On socially awkward situations - "Have you ever been at a party...where you have to yell at the top of your lungs just to be heard by the person standing next to you. But then all of the sudden...everyone else seems to stop talking at the same time...and only YOUR voice can be heard? 'RIGHT! RIGHT! I KNOW...WELL, WHAT I'M GONNA' DO IS, I'M GONNA' HAVE MY TESTICLES LAMINATED!'"
• On things you don't want to hear - "Honey? Remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks?"
• More things you don't want to hear - "I'M PREGNANT, YOU'RE THE FATHER, AND I'M GONNA' KILL ALL THREE OF US!"
• On things you never see - "You never see a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says 'Shit Happens.'"

And my personal favorite:

• On things you never see - "I know things you don't see. There are lots of things you don't see. And you don't know you don't see 'em 'cause you don't see 'em. You've gotta' see something first to know you never saw it. Then you see it and say, 'Hey! I never saw that...' Too late...you just saw it!"

Rest in peace, George. You'll be missed!

Merging of the Blogs!

So I've officially decided that having/maintaining (or NOT maintaining, as the case appears to be) two blogs is a royal pain in the rump.

Call me lazy. Call me shiftless. Call me a slacker...whatever. Following in the heroic footsteps of mega corporations everyone, I'm merging my rantings from BriDawgBlog with the good-natured slapstick comedy of my children here at Damn That Kid's Funny.

"What new features can we expect to see?" you ask? None, really. It's just that I sometimes have a hard time determining where to put particular posts, and I'm getting bored with it. That being said, welcome to the new, beefier, decidedly-unimproved Damn That Kid's Funny!

I hope you enjoy my rantings...have a nice day!

The Two-Handed Handshake

Originally posted August 24, 2007...

So what the hell is the deal with the two-handed handshake? I've met two people in the past two days who have greeted me with this decidedly less-than-typical hand embrace, and I'm kind of wigged out by it. It's like they're trying to give my hands a hug or something!

Don't misunderstand, I'm all about greeting someone with a friendly handshake, but it seems a bit presumptuous to assume that my hand needs the extra coddling while we're meeting for the first time.

So the next time you see me running around, please greet me with either a manly high-five or the standard one-handed shake. Thanks...

Even Funnier!

Originally posted August 1, 2007...

Holy crap! I just listened to the recording of Congressman Tancredo's "speech." This has got to be the funniest thing in the history of the world. It's funny enough that he chose a family restaurant with an audience of "more than 30" for his rantings, but the recording offers even more insight into the goings-on.

The recorder is either being held by or is located in close proximity to someone with a whopping case of emphysema. We are reminded of this fact by the perpetual stream of deep-chested coughs emanating from this particular listener throughout the recording. Not only that, but in the background you can clearly hear a waitress discussing menu options with one table, then dropping the check at another.

Seriously, people, this is what makes the internet the greatest tool of our generation!

There Are Simply No Words...

Originally posted August 1, 2007...

So I just finished reading an online article that Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo, apparently a "candidate" for the GOP presidential nomination, has decided that in the event of a Muslim-inspired nuclear attack on the United States he would initiate an immediate counter-attack against key Muslim holy shrines such as Mecca and Medina.

First of all, this little bit of foreign policy is SO stolen from the vice president in the last season of "24," and it was quite the little bit of douchebaggery even in fiction. Second, and perhaps most hysterically, he gave this speech to "nearly 30 people Tuesday morning at the Family Table restaurant." !!!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?

Was this actually a PLANNED speech? Who the hell hosts a political rally at what I can only assume is a buffet? I can see it now... "President Bush today hosted a $7.49 a plate fundraiser for Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. Ringo's Old Town Buffet and Biat Shop played host to the no-tie, wifebeater optional event." Seriously...this guy is a flaming retard.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled porn surfing. Have a nice day!

Death by Pussy...Cat!

Originally posted July 27, 2007...

So I'm sitting there minding my own business at lunch yesterday, and a story comes on CNN about this cat who "predicts" the death of folks confined to the old folks home where he lives. It turns out that this particular cat, Oscar, has a knack for knowing when the old folks are about to kick off. To showcase his talent, he'll sneak into a patient's room and lie down on their bed with them. According to doctors, this usually lets hospital staff know that they have about 4 hours to get that patient's things together, contact the next of kin and fire up the ol' crematorium. Weird, I know, but here's what I'm thinking...

The cat is actually KILLING the people! I know what you're thinking..."It's just a harmless little kitty! What harm could it possibly do?!?" Well, didn't you ever see Stephen King's "Cat's Eye" with the cat whose owners are constantly kicking off due to strange/unique circumstances? (Admittedly, one of those deaths is the result of a wacky little troll guy, but I digress...) How about "Pet Sematary," where Herman Munster helps his new neighbor bury and reincarnate a roadkill gato? And even in more recent times with Shrek II? Puss in Boots is a stone cold killer before Shrek and Donkey go extra-medieval on his ass!

So my final warning here is CAT OWNERS AND OLD FOLKS BEWARE!!! Oscar and his buddies are out there, and they've got a serious case of bloodlust!

Further Proof of My Nerddom...For Shame!

Originally posted April 23, 2007...

I got all PO'd by a letter I received today saying something to the effect of "a myriad of something-or-other." Until recently, this has been a pet-peeve of mine as I'd heard that the word was originally intended to refer to an actual number: 10,000. With this bee in my bonnet, I looked it up on Webster's and found the following: I'm so ashamed!

Holy Crap! I'm a Tree Hugger!

Originally posted March 1, 2007...

Holy crap indeed! Last week I was making my traditional early-morning oatmeal at the office, and one of the tree hugger-types came by and made a comment about my using a stryofoam cup to do it. I shot back a snide remark about probably using another cup later in the day to make my hot chocolate, and it hit me...I'm being an eco-asshole!

Now I realize that these days all of the Hollywood crazies are hyping eco-friendly cars like the (shudder) Prius, and that we're all pretty sick and tired of them preaching to us about protecting the environment, studying Kaballah, etc., since they don't really live in the real world. BUT...I'm starting to think they may have a point when it comes to protecting the environment and limiting the amount of crapola that we put back into the Earth. It hit me today as yet again I made my morning oatmeal in a styrofoam cup. I looked around the office and saw about a zillion other cups of the same type and realized that by next week they'd be rotting in some landfill and taking 300 years to decompose (or whatever they take these days). Now I feel like a douche because I can only imagine how many other cups just like this will be thrown away today alone, not to mention over the next 20 years. God almighty...by the time my kids have kids, they'll be playing "King of the Crap Heap" instead of "King of the Mountain."

I'm not sure how to do anything real about this, but I'm going to stop using these cups today...right after my hot chocolate...and start using real bowls and coffee cups. Wonder if I can convince anyone to join me on my little crusade...??

Hanakwanzamas Tree?

Originally posted December 13, 2006...

So I was flipping through CNN.com today, and found a hilarious article by Lou Dobbs that made me reflect on my rantings of a year ago. Just for poops and giggles, I thought I'd copy his article for your enjoyment here, as well as re-post my holiday bitch-fest from last year for a few additional giggles (and their associated poops). Enjoy!

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Merry Christmas! That's right, Merry Christmas. Whether you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, agnostic, pagan, barbarian or whatever, Merry Christmas! It's what most of us say in this country come this time of year. It's about who we are, where we are and where we've been. And all the namby-pamby, little sensitive darlings among us who can't handle this verbal assault on their delicate senses should immediately begin seeking emergency psychiatric care.

This week we were treated to the spectacle of an easily offended and highly offensive rabbi who walked into an airport, gazed upon Christmas trees all around him and suddenly was overwhelmed with an immense, and apparently irresistible, urge to sue the management of the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport because nowhere among all the Christmas trees was a single menorah. Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky of the Chabad-Lubavitch movement of Seattle even delivered to the airport's management a draft of a lawsuit he would file if they didn't sprinkle menorahs around the Christmas trees.

Political correctness in this country reached an entirely new level of absurdity some years ago. But occasionally, and the situation at Sea-Tac is just such an occasion, we exceed ourselves. The militant fundamentalist rabbi so flummoxed Sea-Tac management with his threat and their perceived obligation to be "politically correct" that, rather than think rationally or simply tell him to stuff it, they started hacking away at all those artificial Christmas trees and quickly descended into a public relations nightmare in which they managed to offend reason, cultural values and the vast majority of Americans.

As CNN senior legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin told me, "The Supreme Court has held since 1984, the famous 'Reindeer Rule,' that if a symbol of Christmas is mostly secular, like a reindeer or a Christmas tree or Santa Claus, that is not a violation of the separation of church and state." The irony that escaped the rabid rabbi and the timid Sea-Tac management team is that the Christmas tree's likely origin dates back to pre-Christian pagan cultures. The Christmas tree is not by any means a religious symbol, and when we're honest about it, the tree's become a purely commercial symbol more closely associated with shopping, roasting chestnuts and guzzling eggnog than a nativity scene with baby Jesus.

And hang on, Christians, because you're in 21st Century America, and our culture celebrates your holiest day of the year with such insensitive gusto that our economy would suffer a serious setback if your religious sensibilities were as easily offended as those of the litigious rabbi. More than 140 million shoppers spent an average of about $360 on Black Friday alone, the day after Thanksgiving and the unofficial kickoff to the Christmas shopping season, according to the National Retail Federation. And all those Christmas shoppers are expected to spend nearly a half-trillion dollars this shopping season.

Now if I were a fundamentalist Christian, that might strike me as a little politically incorrect. And I think all of you folks should think about suing somebody. You know, get in the spirit of the season.

This mindless movement of political correctness at all costs is one of the most un-American and crazy twists in our culture as anything we've witnessed. Remember, we're Americans, and we have freedom of speech, that whole life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness thing. Or at least we did.

And I hope you'll celebrate the Christmas season by offending someone. If you're Jewish, how about a hearty "Happy Hanukkah" to a good Christian? If they're offended you've revealed a fool, not such a good Christian and someone you shouldn't waste your expression of good will upon. But get ready for a few robust "Merry Christmas" calls to be thrown your way as well. The operators of the Seattle-Tacoma airport quickly righted a potentially dreadful wrong. The rabbi decided not to file a suit, Christmas trees have sprung back up throughout the concourse, and no, not a single menorah has been spotted. I can only hope this is the beginning of a major movement in America, one that regards thinking as paramount to phony feelings and heightened self-centered sensitivities. Common sense and judgment should always reign supreme over political correctness, no matter what the current trend.

And, my gosh, even Wal-Mart this year has abandoned its generic, politically correct "Happy Holidays" greeting in favor of "Merry Christmas." I'm starting to think this may be the season to be jolly after all. Ho, ho, ho. To all, a Merry Christmas. OK, and a Happy Hanukkah, too.

And here's mine...
Welcome to holiday season, 2005! It's time once again for the annual "What do I call my tree?" festival! All over the news this season you're bound to see stories about government buildings and their employees' quagmire...Are they holiday trees? Christmas trees? Happy Hanakwanzamas trees? Non-denominational festival of pine-scented artificial trees trees?Isn't it about time that we started calling them what they are? These are CHRISTMAS TREES ladies and gentlemen! Now I know what you're going to say..."But there are millions of people in America who don't celebrate Christmas, aren't Christian, or just flat don't believe that the government should force the holiday down their throats!" I say, BULLSHIT! While I'm certainly sympathetic to the fact that not everyone celebrates Christmas, the simple fact is that there are a lot of people who DO! The fact that not everyone celebrates the season is no reason to keep ANYONE from celebrating it. That's like saying I can't have cake on my birthday because you feel left out that it's not YOUR birthday!But wait...what about that whole pesky "separation of Church and State" issue? Pretty simple, really. The founding fathers created the separation of Church and State in an effort to snuff out any attempts to create a theocratic government. I'm fairly certain, however, that they did NOT intend to snuff out any and all religious leanings within the people running the show! Plainly put, the lighting of a Christmas tree at city hall is NOT a precursor to some sort of overthrow of the government by God's footsoldiers. It's simply a pleasant reminder that there are in fact people who celebrate Christmas. Time to let go of the anger here, people. Please feel free to celebrate whatever holiday you celebrate when it's time. If you want the government buildings in your area to plant a giant chick pea plant in celebration of Garbonzo Bean Awareness Month or something, it's your responsibility to bring that idea up. The trees are there because the constituency made their voices heard and elected individuals who believe in the Christmas holiday. It's that simple.Have a nice day...

Dirty Little Monkeys

Originally posted March 30, 2006...

So a buddy of mine recently hooked me up with a sitemeter for this blog so I could find out if anyone actually cared. As it turns out, at least 28 people have cared in the past week.

Very cool...until I found out what it was that drove a majority of them to my site. In the past, I have blogged about Pee Holes and The Shocker. While I was familiar with why The Shocker might cause some interest, I was a little confused by the Pee Hole constituency.

I couldn't understand why so many people were interested in what I considered to be a very benign topic...until I Googled "pee holes." HOLY SHIT! I couldn't believe some of the things I was reading, let alone the pictures that came along with them! The first link that popped up was for someone's "pee hole stretching story," and how they'd come to love the act of stretching out a considerably sensitive area.

Now, I consider myself pretty open-minded, but seriously people...you are REALLY whacked out if you're into this kind of stuff! What is it exactly that drives people to:

1. Even think about how to achieve this kind of activity
2. Not think to themselves...that would be pretty F-ed up
3. Do it anyway
4. Write about it and post it on the WORLD WIDE WEB?!?

Freedom of speech is not dead, ladies and gentlemen, and there's someone out there with a stretched out johnson to prove it!

Was That You?

Originally posted March 15, 2006...

So here's a thought that I had the other day while taking a whiz... There's another guy in there at the same time, and he's taking a massive dump, the size of which would make an elephant proud. The stench is burning my nose hairs, and the first thing that comes to mind is...I've gotta' get the hell out of here!

The second thing that crosses my mind is this...what would have happened if he'd finished his crapola and left before I had the chance to finish my whiz? I pictured myself walking out of the bathroom at the same time someone else was walking in, and facing the awkward moment where the stench hits them full in the face while they try to put a face to the stink.

Is he really going to believe that it WASN'T me? There's no way to convince him otherwise, so I figure I'm pretty much screwed. 'Course, it could be an awful lot of fun to take credit for the ass-stank, too. Guess it just depends where you work.

Either way, I always wondered what the appropriate protocol is for something like that. Do you ignore it like an awkward moment at a party, or do you stand tall and proclaim, "DAMN! Ol' Steve sure lit one up in there, didn't he? Stinky bastard!"? Think I'll test that one out sometime and see how it goes...

Previously Enjoyed

Originally posted February 23, 2006...

I heard an absolutely hysterical ad this morning, and felt compelled to share it. The ad was for a car dealership offering great deals on "previously enjoyed" cars.

I'm officially calling bullshit here. I mean, exactly how many different ways can we call something "used" and still get away with it. Calling a car used means that it is exactly that...a vehicle that someone else has used in the past to get from point A to point B. What/whom else they did in the car is really secondary to the vehicle's ability to maintain is functional use. What exactly was the previous owner enjoying while driving this car? Cheeseburgers? Littering? Road head? Who knows?

Since it's simply a method of conveyance, a car really does not deserve the "enjoyed" moniker. But it does beg the question...what does deserve the title? Leftover pizza? Movies purchased from the rental store? Hookers? I can hear it now... "Billionaire heiress Paris Hilton today received a much needed revirginization of her previously enjoyed beav."

Maybe I'm just reading too much into this and getting a bit off topic, but seriously...let's just called Paris Hilton what she is...used up!

One Size Fits...Most?

Originally posted January 30, 2006...

I discovered an interesting label on a hat today, and felt compelled to write something about it. The label in question read, "One Size Fits Most." This struck me as odd, as I recalled the good old days of "one size fits all." But it begged the question...when exactly did we lose the "all" part of the equation? I read recently that somewhere near 50% of the US populace is officially considered overweight, but all that means is that being overweight is now considered average. Congratulations if you're trying to be "average," Mr. Fat Man...you've made it! But I digress...

The point I'm getting at is that there are freaks amongst us whose noggins simply will not fit a traditionally-sized hat. Which begs another question...where does someone like this find appropriate headgear? Are there stores out there who, in the tradition of big and tall fashionistas, cater to the melon-headed? If so, what are they called, and where do we find them? Texas has always been a bastion of large-scale people, products, etc., so I'm assuming such a store would exist there. Where else could we get the notion of the 10-gallon hat?

Maybe I'm just rambling here, but there's an image I can't get out of my head after reading that label...South Park's Mr. Mackey (mmmkay?). King of the larger than life cranium, this guy would DEFINITELY benefit from the Texas-sized hat emporium (King Cranium's? Hydrocephalics 'R' Us? Big Head Todd & The Monsters?)!

Just realized that I've made absolutely no sense here, so I'll close for now. Thanks for reading...

The Pissgasm (Revisited)

Originally posted January 9, 2006...

A few months ago my buddy Dave blogged about a unique phenomenon that he nicknamed "The Pissgasm." The phenomenon occurs when you've been holding back a whiz for waaaaaaay longer than you should, resulting in an almost orgasmic rush of urine when you finally let fly. An interesting occurrence, no doubt.

So...being extremely busy and yet more than capable of chugging down a giant Dr. Pepper chased with about a gallon of water, I found myself in the excruciating position of reeeeeally needing to make a pit stop today. Flashing back to the Pissgasm blog, I was really looking forward to this particular trip in spite of the stalking cleaning lady. So in I go to visit ol' john, and things occur as normal...AS NORMAL! How pissed off (pun COMPLETELY intended here) was I to NOT experience the promised Pissgasm?

In what can only be described as a case of urinary blue balls, I retreated to the relative comfort of my cubicle dazed, confused and a little bit sad. My question is this...we all know the various methods of relieving blue balls, but what do we do in this particular situation? Do we chug more and more water, hold it in as long as possible, and pray for blessed release? Do we curse the urinal gods for the cruel hand they've dealt us, or do we curse Dave for putting this idea in our heads in the first place?

Perhaps there is no right or wrong answer, but one thing's for sure...blue balls suck regardless of the source!

No Iran, Those are MY Missiles!

Originally posted January 3, 2006...

Has anyone else ever wondered why it is that the US and its allies are the only ones allowed to have nuclear ("It's pronounced NEW-kyuh-ler." - Homer Simpson) weapons anymore? I was watching the news during lunch today, and one of the headline stories was that Iran was looking to re-up their nuclear program.

How dare they? Don't they know that W has strictly forbidden even the slightest THOUGHT of nuclear research by so-called "rogue nations?" What the hell is that about, anyway? That's like the neighborhood bully saying that you're not allowed to have hands because you might be able to fight back against him if/when he decides he's going to kick your ass. Sure, you might be willing to use those same hands for seemingly mindless tasks such as eating, grasping needed objects, etc., but all he sees is the imminent threat.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of the notion that Oomgallah bin Waddy Mow Mow may have access to the most destructive force known to man, but it hardly seems fair for anyone to tell him he can't. You know what we did when the British told us we couldn't have arms, tea, or voting rights of our own? That's right...we told 'em to go fuck themselves! Then we doled out a big 'ol helping of 18th century Whoopass and went our merry little way.

The way I see it, these "rogue nations" are a lot like a two-year old. They want what you tell them they can't have. And they'll do everything in their power to prove to you that they can handle whatever it is you tell them they can't have...even if it's something that can kill them and every other living thing on the planet.

The fact is, the Iranians most likely ARE thinking of using nuclear technology for weapons development in the long run, but it's going to be in the interest of self-preservation and deterrance. If we know they have the Bomb, says their logic, we'll leave them pretty much alone in much the same way we did with the former Soviet Union. Ever see the movie War Games (http://imdb.com/title/tt0086567/) with Matthew Broderick? He teaches some wise-ass computer that the only way to win the game of global thermonuclear war is "not to play." Same thing here, really.

So, Oomgallah bin Waddy Mow Mow, go ahead and do your nuclear research. Just know that Uncle Sam is pissed as all Hell about it, and that you'd better not make weapons-grade material out of it. We've all seen what happens when we think someone has weapons of mass destruction hiding out somewhere...

The Cleaning Lady is Stalking Me

Originally posted January 3, 2006...

So my office has one of those full-time cleaning people whose job is to go around cleaning up after us slobbish oafs. She's phenomenally quick at picking up on any little mess, and indeed seems to have some kind of radar for detecting them. She has a lovely little conveyance that carries her trash cans, brooms, mops, cleaning supplies, and the like; you can usually hear her coming a mile away with this contraption. The familiar CLICK CLACK BUMP RUMBLE of her cart's approach lets you know that you're not safe anywhere...she could be coming to clean your desk RIGHT NOW!

The problem with this particular individual is that she has a knack for knowing EXACTLY when I have to use the restroom. Here's how the process usually goes: I'll be sitting at my desk minding my own business when suddenly nature calls. I calmly arise from my desk and stroll leisurely towards the nearest restroom (conveniently located about a country MILE from my desk!). I arrive in the restroom and commence the flow, when suddenly (but not suprisingly) I hear that old familiar sound...CLICK CLACK BUMP RUMBLE. "Please let her go to the ladies room first," I think to myself, "and let me whiz in peace for once!" No sooner has this thought crossed my nimble little mind, however, than I hear yet another old familiar sound. In what can only be described as a Tommy Boy-esque scene (remember the old "Housekeeping?" gag?), there is a gentle rap at the door. Never accompanied by any verbal warning, the door swings open ever so slightly to reveal...not a face just yet, but rather a blue feather duster indicating an intention to clean the restroom. I jump ever so slightly (just enough to get a tell-tale dab of whiz on the old pantaloons), and shout out "There's someone in here!" The feather duster beats a hasty retreat, presumably to the ladies room, and I'm left to tend to my whiz-soaked trousers and fragile sense of privacy.

I know what you're thinking...she's got to be on some kind of cleaning schedule, and my dirty little business just happens to coincide with her timing, right? EH EH. As nature is wont to do, the timing of these little episodes varies greatly depending on myriad factors (water intake, work load, conference calls, etc.), and there's never any telling what time I'll be able to arise. The only thing I'm certain of is that three seconds into my flow I'll hear the old battle cry..."CLICK CLACK BUMP RUMBLE."

I'm still trying to decide whether this is just a coincidence, or whether the big urinal in the sky has some greater plan that is drawing our paths to one another. Either way, I'm sure of this... if I ever whiz all over the wall/floor/ceiling/whatever, I'm CERTAIN that there will be a wise old feather duster-wielding sage to clean up after me.

Reply to All

Originally posted January 3, 2006...

What the hell is the deal with people who hit the "reply to all" button when replying to an e-mail? Here I take the good time to be perfectly lazy and send out a blanket message to a group of people, and I expect individualized responses. Not happening, though... These self-centered bastards figure that EVERYONE must certainly care about their response. As such, they decide to share it with the world.

This is much worse in the workplace, as e-mails frequently get forwarded. Now, not only do people have to sift through my original e-mail to get the information they need, they have to sit through 40 pages of other people's bullshit just to get there!

Just a couple of quick thoughts to those of you who are guilty of this:

1. If you're going to reply to all, at least have the decency to erase the other hooplah that comes along with your e-mail (ie, original mailing lists, your personal stationery, etc.)
2. You're taking up other people's valuable time by being a douche...time that could easily be spent/wasted in other ways (ie, internet porn, hijacking music, etc.)
3. Please just STOP!

Say Bob, What Kind of Tree is That?

Originally posted December 8, 2005...

Welcome to holiday season, 2005! It's time once again for the annual "What do I call my tree?" festival! All over the news this season you're bound to see stories about government buildings and their employees' quagmire...

Are they holiday trees? Christmas trees? Happy Hanakwanzamas trees? Non-denominational festival of pine-scented artificial trees trees?

Isn't it about time that we started calling them what they are? These are CHRISTMAS TREES ladies and gentlemen! Now I know what you're going to say..."But there are millions of people in America who don't celebrate Christmas, aren't Christian, or just flat don't believe that the government should force the holiday down their throats!" I say, BULLSHIT! While I'm certainly sympathetic to the fact that not everyone celebrates Christmas, the simple fact is that there are a lot of people who DO! The fact that not everyone celebrates the season is no reason to keep ANYONE from celebrating it. That's like saying I can't have cake on my birthday because you feel left out that it's not YOUR birthday!

But wait...what about that whole pesky "separation of Church and State" issue? Pretty simple, really. The founding fathers created the separation of Church and State in an effort to snuff out any attempts to create a theocratic government. I'm fairly certain, however, that they did NOT intend to snuff out any and all religious leanings within the people running the show! Plainly put, the lighting of a Christmas tree at city hall is NOT a precursor to some sort of overthrow of the government by God's footsoldiers. It's simply a pleasant reminder that there are in fact people who celebrate Christmas.

Time to let go of the anger here, people. Please feel free to celebrate whatever holiday you celebrate when it's time. If you want the government buildings in your area to plant a giant chick pea plant in celebration of Garbonzo Bean Awareness Month or something, it's your responsibility to bring that idea up. The trees are there because the constituency made their voices heard and elected individuals who believe in the Christmas holiday. It's that simple.

Have a nice day...

Suicidal Assholes!

Originally posted December 7, 2005...

In yet another fine example of what Darwin would call survival of the fittest, some asshole recently boarded an airplane in Miami claiming to have a bomb in his bag. He was subesquently shot and killed by federal air marshalls.

A couple of quick thoughts on this: 1. This guy absolutely deserved what he got...what an asshole! 2. The media will go absolutely apeshit over this during the coming weeks.

Point number one really speaks for itself, I think. I mean, really...what an asshole! Not only was he too weak to pull the trigger/pop the pills/string the rope himself, but he inconvenienced an entire PLANE full of people as well. Now all 180 passengers (if the flight was full) have to sit in the plane while they wait for it to be searched etc., all while the people who are waiting for them to arrive have to sit around with their thums in their butts while they wait even longer. To say nothing of the other incoming/outgoing flights that will be delayed by this ignorant boob!

This runs along the same lines as the douchebags who intentionally get pulled over by the police, only to pull a plastic cap gun or something on the officer, leading to their inevitable "assisted suicide." Ladies and gentlemen, if you're too lazy to kill yourself, please just do the rest of us a favor and lay around on your couch until you starve to death or something. Making your suicide a matter of public delay and interruption just makes world hate you more than you already thought it did.

Moral of the story...don't be a douche. If you want to kill yourself...fine. Just leave the rest of us out of it.

Have a nice day...

There's An Evil Monkey Living in My Closet!

Originally posted December 1, 2005...

Not really, but I have to say that the evil monkey living in Chris's closet on Family Guy is quite possibly the funniest thing ever commited to film (or cartoon, or whatever...). The ridiculous thing about this guy is that he never utters a word; he just sits there pointing and grimmacing violently in Chris's direction. No point here, really. He's just fucking hysterical! Have a nice day...

The Pee Hole

Originally posted November 22, 2005...

So I'm in the bathroom the other day, minding my own business, and what do I see? Some big fat guy with his pants practically around his frickin' ANKLES standing at the urinal taking a leak! What the hell is this all about?

The last time I checked, pants came with a zipper. Along these same lines, the majority of undergarments come fully equipped with a "pee hole," a nicely stitched zone that conveniently opens to allow passage of one's johnson. By simply applying the "unzip and flip" method of pulling one's sausage through the pee hole and subsequent zipper hole, any normal adult male can pretty much take care of things without needing to share the spectacle of his ass cheeks unceremoniously flapping in the breeze.

What the hell was this guy thinking? I couldn't begin to say... What I CAN say is that it's time for this particular gentleman (and others like him) to progress beyond the pre-school "rip 'em down and whip it out" methodolgy. There's a new school, fellas, and it's time you picked up the book and pulled up your pants!

Have a nice day...

The Shocker!

Originally posted November 21, 2005...

My wife and I are huge Georgia Bulldog fans. This weekend, we attended the annual "Let's kick Kentucky's ass and laugh at them" game and had a blast. If you're familiar with college football at all, you already know that our quarterback this year is a senior named DJ Shockley. The kid's got talent, and will undoubtedly go far in his professional career. The problem with DJ, though, is his unfortunate surname. Shockley came to prominence just as a new and innovative sexual technique has come (heh heh) to the forefront with those of us whose minds are filthy (http://davidpbrown.net/).

I'm talking about, of course, The Shocker. For the uninitiated, the Shocker is a manuever whereby the male inserts his index and middle fingers into his partner's vagina, while simultaneously inserting his pinkie into her butthole (also known as "Two In The Bush, One In The Tush...thanks Dave!). The "Shocker" portion, of course, is the typical end-result of the maneuver...the young lady's inevitable screech of surprise and subsequent submission. The reason I bring this up is not just to educate, but also to share the following picture. This guy is a GENIUS, and I thank him for sharing with the rest of the world. To you, unknown purveyor of filth and prurient interest, I say "Thank You!" Your contributions to society will not go unnoticed. Have a nice day...

The "Entitlement Generation"

Originally posted August 10, 2005...

The other day I read an article that said people in my generation (early-to-late-twenties) consider themselves to be "entitled" to certain things: jobs, success, prosperity, etc. Apparently this stems from some kind of coddling we received as children, and has led us to believe that we should be handed everything on a silver platter. The issue raised by the article was that many companies and managers don't have the slightest clue how to motivate folks like us, and that the situation is costing millions in turnover, lost productivity and the like.

Here's my philosophy on this: if companies are truly interested in keeping folks happy, they need to realize a few simple truths...

1. People are inherently lazy

Think about it...if you had the choice of spending your entire day doing nothing other than watching TV and scrathching yourself or putting on a shirt and tie, sitting in traffic and then staring at a computer screen all day (which can be essentially like watching TV all day if you do it right)...which would you choose? Until managers learn how to motivate people to overcome this inherent need for Cheetos and nut-scratching, they'll never see a change.

2. People want to make lots and lots of money doing something they enjoy

You'll never hear anyone saying, "You know what I love? I love filling out documents and reports that have no bearing on the future of my company and making peanuts for it." By contrast, you would expect to hear them say, "I love playing this professional sport for a living and getting paid hundreds of millions of dollars for it." Of course, you don't always hear that either, do you? I guess that would be sub-category A...Some people love to bitch about their jobs regardless of the circumstances. It's time to pony up and pay the piper, folks. You simply can't expect people to spend nearly a third of their weekly time on work-related activities and NOT expect to be well-compensated for it. The almighty bottom-line, while certainly important, can NOT be maintained without first maintaining a competent and satisfied work force.

3. People crave positive leadership

When was the last time you heard someone say, "I really wish management would berate me more"? There is a startling trend among managers these days, and it seems to tell them that the way to keep employees going strong is to tell them what they're doing wrong (almost had myself a little rhyme there, but I'll move on...). Instead of focusing on the positive aspects of the business, they would rather prattle on about how everyone should be working harder, doing more with less, etc. Why not take the time to get to know what makes your employees tick, learn about their families and interests, etc.? You'd be AMAZED at the results you can receive from just a little bit of personal touch.

Just sayin'...