Why, you ask, would a seemingly-loving father of two call out his boys like this? It's pretty simple, really...they're destructive forces of nature who, when put together unsupervised (as they often are on weekend mornings when they've arisen at 6 a.m.) create a "perfect storm" of toddlerhood. Illustrate my point, you say? No problem!
Case #1 -
Saturday, February 23
Approximately 8:30 a.m.
After taking the boys downstairs and feeding them their traditional breakfast of microwaveable pancakes (Yes, I'm lazy...but they're delicious!), I left them in the care of the all-powerful babysitter, Sponge Bob. As an aside here, I LOVE Sponge Bob. It's ridiculous, zany, and hilarious for kids AND adults. Back to the matter at hand, though... I fed the boys, turned on Sponge Bob for them, and headed back upstairs for a few extra minutes of sleep. About 20 minutes later, I realized that things had gotten eerily quiet downstairs. If you're a parent, you know this is NEVER a good thing. Two quiet kids equals two kids who are clearly up to no good and don't want Mom and Dad to know about it.
So...pulse appropriately raised and resolve firmly steeled, I headed back downstairs to see what they were up to. From the upstairs landing, I could already see what I was in for. A trail of papers and destruction led from the living room into the hallway towards the toyroom. And was that my WALLET on the floor next to the couch? Sprinting down the steps two at a time, I arrived next to the couch to find that, indeed, my wallet had been emptied and left for dead. Not good... A quick trip into the toyroom confirmed my fears: the boys had completely emptied not only my wallet, but Holly's purse as well! Papers, receipts, various bric-a-brac, credit cards, etc., all thrown to the four winds. Nice. Needless to say, the boys spent some time in their rooms as a result.
Fast forward to:
Case #2 -
Saturday, March 1
Approximately 8:30 a.m.
On the Saturday in question, Holly was kind enough to let me sleep in since I had worked pretty late the prvious night. Based on what she found when she went downstairs to check on the boys that morning, I'm pretty sure she'll never do that again!
Holly headed downstairs at about 8:30, then promptly returned to our bedroom and said, "Can you come down here, please? I need your help with something." CRAP! Not only was I more or less exhausted, but I knew nothing good could come out of the situation based on her tone of voice. How right I was...
When I left the bedroom, I noticed that the boys' bedroom doors were closed, and I could hear the muffled sound of vaguely-irritated children from behind them. That should've been a clue. So we head downstairs, Holly committed to a tight-lipped persona until we got to the toy room. I turned the corner and almost fell down in shock!
Bottles of ear drops, Children's Tylenol, eye drops, even a spray can of sunscreen (!) littered the toyroom floor. Now, before you accuse us of not sufficiently baby-proofing our medicines to keep them out of the hands of little ones, know this...the aforementioned goodies typically reside in a kitchen cabinet that is about 8 feet off the ground!! Apparently Chris had climbed up on the kitchen counters, opened the cabinet, and reached his way up there to grab these things.
SO...here we have a room full of once-full bottles, and a lot of strangely-shaped and colored spots all over the carpet in the toyroom. And did I smell Pina Coladas?!? Not necessarily. Apparently the boys had chosen to spray suntan lotion all over their toy kitchen! A lovely smell, I'll grant you, but not necessarily one that you anticipate when walking into a children's play room. :-)
I asked Holly if she knew what had happened, and she just started cracking up. Apparently, when she came into the room to check on the kids BOTH of them were stark naked, and Chris was dancing a little jig on top of Holly's stepper (which had been pulled from the hall closet)! I guess kids just aren't content to throw a bunch of liquids around their toyroom anymore. Nope...they've just gotta' be naked!
Later on in the day (after they'd spent some serious time in their rooms for almost killing themselves) I asked Chris why he'd done all that. His response? "Matthew wanted me to do it!" I'll let you ruminate on that one for a while. Remember, this is a kid who's not yet two "telling" his brother he wants to do something. I smell just a little bit of BS in the air...how 'bout you?
Case #3 (the final one...I hope!) -
Saturday, March 8
Approximately 8:30 a.m.
Are you noting a trend here? 8:30 is apparently "The Witching Hour" for my little monkeys, and they're not at all ashamed to take on new and greater chances for destruction. At this point, the stories had already reached to my Grandma in Iowa, who called on Friday the 7th to ask what we thought the boys would be doing on the 8th to destroy the house! Low and behold! The answer came at (you guessed it!) about 8:30 the next morning.
Once again, the boys had dined on a fabulous feast of microwaveable goodness, though this time they enjoyed waffles as opposed to pancakes. The other subtle difference on this particular day is that I went upstairs to do (gasp!) laundry instead of going back to bed. I hadn't been gone more than 5 minutes, and yet when I ventured back downstairs to the toyroom I was greeted with THIS:
That's right...every BIT of wrapping paper that could possibly be fit into the closet was now strewn hither and yon across the toy room. The "LBs" had struck again, and this time in a VERY short time frame. They were organized, and they were getting better...it was time to nip this in the bud. In a frenzy, I resorted to the basest human instinct: threats against all toys, books, friends, and fun. I told Chris that if anything like this EVER happened again, I would take away all of his toys, books, etc., and that he wouldn't be able to go to Annabeth's birthday party the following day. THAT certainly got his attention! He apologized immediately, and helped me clean up the mess. Why, you ask, had I not attempted this before? Believe it or not, we HAD! In the end, it was the Annabeth threat that worked the best. I guess guys are never too young to stop acting stupid when it means they can impress a girl! :-)
As a side note on this particular episode, Chris later told me that he had trashed the toyroom because he was "mad at Aunt Katie." Aunt Katie, you may recall, is actually Annabeth's mom's sister. How she has become Chris's aunt is a bit beyond us, but she's nevertheless become quite the active family member at our house. I never did figure out why he was mad at her, but Lord knows that threats of not getting to hang out with her niece certainly work!
So, are our "LBs" Little Buddies...or Little B@stards? Only time will tell!
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