Our Little Biker Gang!

This is my first official test of Blogger's new video upload system. I shot this video last night after work, and had a great time watching my little "Biker Buddies" pedaling around the driveway. Holly had tennis practice, and the boys were excited to get their bikes back after being grounded from them for two days (that's another story for another blog...), so it was a perfect time to go out and let them blow off some steam.

Enjoy!

Totally Tubular!

Today marks the fourth (and hopefully final!) Time that one of the boys has had tubes put in his ears...wow!

Matthew received his second set this morning (Chris got his second set shortly after Matthew was born), and has been pretty harious ever since he woke up. Apparently the anesthesia they gave him had a mild narcotic in it, so he's more or less drunk at this point. If you've never seen a drunk baby, I would strongly recommend checking into adenoidectomies for your little ones...it's hysterical!

We met up with my mom for lunch after surgery, an Matthew more or less bobbed an weaved the whole time we were there. His head would roll around a little, then he'd just kind of look at us and smirk. For a little while he even tried to stand up. That was probably the best part due to the inherent staggering. Seriously, he was all over the place!

So Matthew's drunk, and Chris is pretty much living in the lap of luxury. He got to spend the night at Grandma and Papa's house last night since we had to be up so flippin' early, and had a great time. He and my sister baked cupcakes last night, and he made some (I'n told) beautiful artwork this morning for his favorite teacher, Miss Emily. All of this is cool enough, but later today he's getting picked up by Grandma and they're going to the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. Cupcakes and popcorn in a 24-hour period? How could life get any better?

Best...Turkey...Ever!

GAINESVILLE, GA, December 25, 2007 - The Johnston Household

Apparently 2007 was the year of holiday dinners at our house. Not only did we host Holly's family for Thanksgiving, but we also decided to invite the Johnston clan for Christmas dinner. For me this meant one thing, and one thing only...I got to COOK! And for me, cooking means TURKEY TIME! A couple of years ago I found an Alton Brown recipe for bay-brined turkey that was (at the time) the best recipe I had ever tasted. Essentially, you soak the turkey in a solution of salt, sugar, water, bay leaves, cloves and lemons for a day, then stuff all of the remaining goodies up the turkey's butt while roasting. The result is a phenomenally moist bird with a hint of several flavors. Ridiculously tasty, it's been a staple of my past couple of birds.

This year, though, it was time to branch out, and I decided to try a Tyler Florence recipe that I got in an e-mail from the Food Network folks. To reiterate the title of this post...BEST...TURKEY...EVER! The key elements to this particular recipe are compound butter, bacon and maple syrup. SERIOUSLY? Damn straight! The compound butter (made with fresh sage) gets inserted just under the skin of the breast, and manages to melt during cooking to season the entire bird. After the butter goes on/in, you get to lay slabs of thick, delicious bacon over the entire turkey. Apparently this helps seal in the juices or something. Once that's taken care of, the turkey goes in the oven and gets basted every half-hour with maple syrup.

Our turkey was about 15 pounds and took just over three hours to cook. Not only was it gorgeous, the bacon was the most insanely delicious thing I've ever had! While we were letting the turkey rest for the requisite 20 minutes, everyone just stood around pulling bacon off of the bird. I honestly think that it would be worth buying a bigger bird just to get more of the bacon. And while the turkey beneath it all was outstanding, I would almost have forgone the bird entirely and eaten just the bacon.

Thanks to Tyler Florence for making me look like a gourmet for a day. Also, a great big thanks to the folks at Kraft for their incredible magazine-o'-recipes, from which we made two separate types of potatoes and several appetizers. I'm not entirely sure, but I think we also pulled a dessert or two out of there.

Oh...and Christmas was great, too. Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and all of that.

Mmmmmm....bacon!

A Calm Holiday...THANK YOU!!

OK, so admittedly this post is WAY late, but here it is all the same...



Holly's entire family joined us this Thanksgiving for a big celebration at our house. In case you're not intimately familiar with the Sloan Family Circus, it includes her mom and dad, two sisters, one brother-in-law and a brother-in-law-wannabe, two nephews and a niece for a total of ELEVEN people crammed into our house for the holidays. Where this may once have been a recipe for complete disaster as Holly and her sisters seem to enjoy needling one another to the point of eruption, this year it was a surprisingly serene setting. Everyone got along well and played nicely together, and nothing got destroyed by munchkins. All in all...a great week!



A few key highlights:

1. Hit Babyland General for a tour of where Cabbage Patch Kids "come from;"

2. Visited Helen, GA, so the kids could see where they'll all be able to get rip-roarin' drunk during Octoberfest in a couple of decades,

3. Watched a TON of football and slept whenever possible.

Pulling out of the driveway on our way to the Cabbage Patch Kid/Helen adventure, we were treated to a great Chris story. Apparently the parents-in-law were awakened by a very excited Chris that morning, who proeceeded to jump up and down on them until they were fully awake (see Wakeup Call from Hell for a brief description of similar awakenings in our house). After the story had been related to us, I turned to Chris and said, "You really shouldn't jump on MiMi (his name for Holly's mom) and Papa...they're fragile." True to the form of all soon-to-be-four-year-olds, he replied, "They're not fragile. They're OLD!!"

Old or not, they were welcome guests and we had a wonderful time!

Wake-Up Call From Hell!

I'll be the first to admit that I oversleep on a fairly regular basis. This is becoming less and less common, though, now that Matthew has learned how to open his bedroom door. Add to Matthew's escapes the fact that Chris tends to wake up early only on days when all we want to do is sleep in, and you've got quite a recipe for disaster.

That all being said...I was in the process of a lovely oversleep (just made up a new word!) this morning when I heard the telltale thundering of little feet in the hall. As an aside, whoever coined the phrase "the pitter-patter of little feet" was apparently high on something or had EXCELLENT carpet padding! Anway...down the hall comes the aforementioned thunder. Our door is thrown wide open to reveal that Chris and Matthew have, in fact, turned on every conceiveable light in the upstairs portion of our house and that they are very much awake. Bounding through our door and vaulting on to the bed, they were screaming loud enough to wake the dead (and I should know...I was close to dead-asleep!). In a fit of sleep-induced irritability, I managed to angrily shoo them away. Of course, it wouldn't be a true Johnston Boys departure if something didn't get overthrown, broken, or slammed into.

In this case, the "slammed-into" item just happened to be the ol' twig and berries. YOWZA! In case you're curious, a four-year-old's knee bears a striking resemblance to a sledgehammer when it's hitting you square in the nuts at 6:45 in the morning. Thusly roused from my pleasant night's sleep, I've pretty much managed to make it through the day with a dull ache in my stomach to show for the experience.

Guess tonight I'll have to sleep with a cup!

A (Somewhat Minor) Tragedy

So about two months ago, Holly came home from Wal-Mart with two betta fish for the boys. In case you're not familiar with these guys, they're the infamous "fighting fish" who flare their gills when they see another fish (or themselves in a mirror...). Anyway, Holly thought that it might be fun for the boys to have another couple of "pets" in the house, and that it would be a good way for Chris to learn some responsibility by feeding them, etc.

Now, these fish don't require a lot in the ways of a home, so they had a cool little tank that was split downt the middle by a removable barrier (so they didn't attack each other, but you could remove it and watch the hilarity that ensued). The tank sat on the kitchen counter. That's point number one.

Point number two is that we have cats. From day one, we always did a great job of keeping the cats away from the fish, and made every effort to ensure their little guppy safety. In spite of our efforts, the cats frequently knocked the top off of the fish tank to drink the water. Gross, I know, especially given that they have fresh, clean water downstairs. But these are also the same animals that lick their own butts to keep clean, so what're ya' gonna' do? I digress... The point is that we had come to believe that the fish were in no real danger as the cats were apparently only interested in their home as a source of (somewhat nasty) drinking water. Guess they were too lazy to go downstairs for a drink, but I digress again...

Fast forward to this morning. I was on my way downstairs to get the boys' sippy-cups ready for the car, when I saw it... Toppled over and spewing rocks and water everywhere was the aforementioned "split level" fish house. And where, pray tell, were said fish (whose names are Bob and Fred, by the way)?? Kitty breakfast burritos, I'm afraid! It seems the cats were lulling us into a sense of false pescadoral security by only drinking the water up to this point, and were simply biding their time until they could get away scott-free.

The boys don't know about the incident yet, as I was able to clean up the mess and put the fish tank under the sink. I'm still not sure how we're going to handle this one, but it should be entertaining!

RIP Bob and Fred...

Dawgs and Cats Living Together...MASS HYSTERIA!

Ghostbusters quotes aside, we had a really great time this weekend with Andrea and Will (parents of the oft-mentioned Annabeth and Kyra...the boys' "girlfriends"). A couple of quick notes before getting into this, though:

First, Will and Andrea are HUGE Clemson Tigers fans.

Second, Clemson and Georgia have, in the past, had somewhat of a bitter rivalry. Apparently (and this is a bit before my time) the teams used to play on an annual basis throughout the 80s, and the rivarly was somewhere on par with Georgia/Florida, etc. Not a lot of love lost here.

Finally, Holly and I are bitterly opposed to pretty much any school that uses orange as one of their key colors. Clemson, of course, uses orange and PURPLE (what the hell?!?) as their colors of choice.

SO...it was with great difficulty that we allowed the purveyors of purple and orange into our home this Saturday (with the girls, no less!) to watch the Georgia/Alabama game. The game notwithstanding (it was AWESOME! GO DAWGS!), we had an amazing time with them. Burgers were grilled, beer was served, cookies were eaten, and (thankfully!) no munchkins removed their clothes this time around. (Background on the nake reference can be found here)

Annabeth showed up in a dress, which is quite the big step for her. Andrea usually won't let her wear them because she invariable ends up ruining them somehow. This time around, though, everything ended up fine, and she was completely adorable. Kyra was equally cute, and she and Matthew spent most of the evening chasing down Chris and Annabeth. I've honestly never seen four kids play so HARD! Matthew and Kyra finally crashed at about 10:00, but Chris and Annabeth were still going pretty strong when Georgia finally threw the game-winning touchdown pass at about 11:30. Incredible!

A highlight of the evening was a brief conversation with Andrea's sister, Katie. For about the past month or two, Chris has been making up stories about the various games and trips that he has taken with "his" Aunt Katie. These have included going to South Carolina to attend cheerleading college and going to various weddings and other special events that somehow involved her. Apparently he has heard Annabeth talking about Katie, and just wants to be part of that relationship, too. CUTE! SO...Andrea is on the phone with Katie and says to Chris, "Do you want to talk to Katie?" Chris, of course, was all in! He grab's the phone and says, "Hi, Annabetha's Aunt Katie!" It was hilarious! Incidentally, anything that belongs to Annabeth is termed "Annabetha's." Not sure where the extra "a" comes from in all of that, but it's a lot of fun all the same.

ANYWAY...once the game was over and everyone was thoroughly exhausted, we finally called it a night at about midnight. We had a lot of fun, and we're even happier that Georgia pulled out the win. Now Will and Andrea aren't cursed, and will be allowed to visit our house during future games!

GO DAWGS!!

Beach Buddies

Earlier this month we visited Holly's folks down in Orlando for a little R&R. While we were there, we mostly hung out at their pool and lounged. On the Sunday before Labor Day, though, we took off for Cocoa Beach and my in-laws' beach club...what a great time!

Chris and Matthew had an amazing time playing in the sand and "swimming" with us out in the ocean. The water couldn't have been any nicer...perfectly warm and just clear enough to know whether we were about to be eaten by anything.

Eventually we got tired of roasting on the beach and getting sand in our unmentionable areas, so we headed up to the club to hang out at THAT pool. It was absolutely gorgeous! Complete with a waterfall and fountain-style play area for the kids, it was a great spot for a little extra relaxation. Unfortunately, the day had to come to a close when thunderstorms moved into the area. All in all, though, a great time was had by all.

Of course, pretty much any trip to Cocoa that doesn't involve either a hospital trip or visit with the Florida Highway Patrol is a nice one! BACKGROUND NOTE - Our first trip to Cocoa with the family resulted in our slamming into an uninsured (and apparently wanted) driver on the way home. The driver and passenger went running as soon as we called the cops, and had to be pulled out from under a nearby resident's front porch by the authorities (who used a HELICOPTER to track them down...awesome!!). Our second trip included taking my nephew to the emergency room for a pretty serious illness. Fun! It's also worth noting that I went to Cocoa on spring break several years ago. That trip included a three-hour wait for AAA to come and remove my broken car key from the ignition of my car. One of my roommates broke it off in his enthusiasm to leave the car for a beer run...cool!

SO...we have FINALLY had an issue-free Cocoa Beach run. Totally worth it, and VERY relaxing. Here are a few pictures. Enjoy!

And finally...the aftermath! :-)

Chris's Beautiful Princess

Last night we went to a surprise birthday party that my boss's boyfriend threw for her. Since it was all the way down in Midtown and we didn't leave until close to midnight, my boss decided that we should have a late start to work this morning. As such, Holly had to take the munchkins to school this morning.

None of that really has too much to do with anything...I'm just setting the stage a little bit. SO...Holly shows up to school with the boys, and Chris immediately runs to Miss Emily, his favorite teacher. Emily goes through the standard meet and greet, hugs Chris and says to Holly, "Listen to what Chris told me yesterday! He told me that I was his 'beautiful princess.' He said that you and Brian were going to take me shopping for a beautiful new dress, a pretty crown and a wand, and that we were going to get married tomorrow!" Holly said she's never seen Miss Emily so happy. :-)

Donut Face!

A great opportunity to let a picture speak for itself!

This was taken on August 11th, Holly's and my "Birthaversary." I stopped on the way home Friday night and picked up some chocolate donuts for breakfast in bed (who says romance is dead?!?), and Matthew ended up with more than his fair share.

You Snooze...

If there was ever a question in anyone's mind as to whether Chris is indeed Holly's or my child, let those doubts now be satisfied. We let Chris sleep in our bed the other night, and set him up with a book to "read" before he went to sleep. This is a pretty common occurrence, and usually he'll finish with the book and toss it to the floor before conking out. This time, though, he just couldn't seem to make it all the way through the book before sleep got the better of him. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll let the photo below speak for itself...

Green Poop and Butt Paste

Chalk another one up in the "Things You'll Never Think About Until You're a Parent" category...

Matthew had a pretty significantly uncomfortable diaper rash the other day, so we called the doctor to see what she recommended.

First of all, let me clarify to you non-parents what a diaper rash is like... Picture walking around in flannel pants on for several hours on a hot summer day, and the resultant chafing that exists just inside the thighs. OUCH! So...now imagine that every three hours someone with a wipe soaked in alcohol is going to attack your nether regions with gusto in an effort to scrub away all poop-related remnants, and you can imagine the discomfort level here.

Incidentally, here is where the green poop comes in. FUN! Yesterday afternoon when I picked up the boys from school, Matthew's teacher had filled two sippy cups with what can only be described as a Shrek-green beverage...apparently some sort of juice product. The boys naturally chugged it down without a second thought. Flash forward to this morning and Matthew's first diaper change of the day: BRIGHT GREEN POOP abounded! Not just the Shrek-green goop from the sippy cup, either. I'm talking DAY GLOW GREEN here! NASTY! But back to the Butt Paste...

Sso we call the doctor and what does she recommend? BOUDREAUX'S BUTT PASTE!! You read right...BUTT PASTE! Not necessarily the glue the kid in the helmet ate back in kindergarten, but a rather unpleasant brown goop that you're supposed to smear across your baby's butt during diaper changes. FUN! I still haven't figured out exactly what this stuff is - or where it came from - but I can absolutely tell you that the stuff WORKS! Two days later, and the kid's butt is back to the way it should be. Amazing! Thank you, Boudreaux's Butt Paste!

Shameless plug here: http://www.buttpaste.com/

Another Simple Sister

So a few posts ago I mocked my youngest sister for asking me how they made sweet potatoes orange. Admittedly, that's one of the more retarded things that someone can ask...HOWEVER!...below is a direct transcript of a text message that the oldest of my two sisters sent me while seeing The Simpsons Movie:

"Are the Simpsons dogs? Like what animal are they?"

WHAT THE HELL?!?!? Apparently her on-again-off-again boyfriend (and his friends) had convinced her that the Simpsons were once animals of some kind that were turned into yellow people by the continual ingestion of toxic waste from Springfield's nuclear (It's prounounced "nuke-yuh-ler!") power plant. OUCH! This is somewhat akin to the time my roommates and I convinced a girl in college that Buffalo Wings came from cows. Of course, we also convinced the same girl that our computer was touchscreen and we had to use the mouse and keyboard because the monitor was broken... Hmmmmm...

Birthaversary VI

I had a hard time deciding where exactly to post this little ditty, but in the end I decided to post it here because of the company we kept during Birthaversary VI.

As a quick reminder, Holly and I were married on my 25th birthday, thus making our anniversary and my birthday a sort of joint celebration. In an effort to improve my marketing chops, we decided to call this joyous occasion a "Birthaversary." That being said...

We went out on Saturday night with Chris's girlfriend's parents. Yes...you heard correctly...Chris has a girlfriend. Her name is Annabeth, and she's been his go-to girl pretty much since birth. They're more or less inseparable at school, and she serves as his punishment to us if we irritate him. "Mommy, you hurt my feelings. Now you can't come to Annabetha's (his pronunciation) house with me!!" So...since they appear to be best friends and all, we decided to invite Annabeth's parents over for Chris's and Matthew's respective birthday parties. After talking with them for a while, we realized that not only were they extremely cool, but we have a TON in common with them. I won't belabor the point here, but the key element is that they got married on the same exact day that we did. Not only that, but they actually looked into having their reception at the Roswell Mill. Of course, they weren't able to get that particular party spot. Why? Because WE already had it! :-)

Anyway...fast-forward from April until now. We have now spent several afternoons and evenings hanging out with Will and Andrea (did I mention their names yet?), and have found them to be an absolute blast to be around. It was only natural, then, that we decided to celebrate our collective anniversary together. Again, I won't bore you with too terribly many details, but it boils down to this: Fogo de Chao for 4 equals TONS of tasty meat on sticks. Taco Mac for 4 equals two VERY drunk wives!

We gorged ourselves on Brazillian skewered meats at Fogo, then retired to The Mac for tasty beverages. While Will schooled me on the fine art of Golden Tee (I'm starting to see the attraction to that phenomenal waste of money), the girls held down the fort by tossing back SEVERAL delicious cocktails. A long drive home and one passed-out wife later, our 6th Birthaversary came to a close. All in all, it was a great night and we had a ball with Will and Andrea.

And, in an effort to further blackmail the ladies (and to a certain extent Will and I), here are some pictures. Enjoy!

What Else Floats in Water?

Grey gravy? Very small rocks? Churches? (If you're not keeping up with me here, you need to see Monty Python and the Holy Grail...if you're with me, congrats!)

As of yesterday you can officially add my monkeys to this bevy of buoyant items. The boys completed their first ever swimming lessons last night! Holly signed them up in June for swim lessons at Gainesville's Green Street Pool. At first I was hesitant, knowing that we'd have to get to the office by (GASP!) eight in the morning in order to get out in time to get the boys way out to the sticks to swim. After a couple of days, though, it got easier to wake up that early, and it rocked to get out of work so early in the day. Anyway...

The lessons lasted two weeks, and were hilarious to behold. Matthew and his "Water Babies" class kicked off at 5:30 every day. Since most of the kids in his class were under 2, they were required to have a parent in the water with them at all times. I hung out with Matthew during the first week, and Holly took over this week. What a cool time!! The instructor showed us how to get the kids used to the idea of being in the water, then had us help the munchkins kick and "scoop ice cream." We used a lot of cool floaties, including kick boards and FunNoodles. Matthew would invariably freak out for about 15 seconds when he first got in the pool, but usually calmed down after that and had a great time. By the end of the second week he was very much at home in the pool.

Chris's classes were equally cool. There were only two other kids in the class, and one of them was only there about half the time. That being the case, Chris and the kid who actually came to class pretty much received one-on-one instruction for the entire two weeks. It was great! Holly, Matthew and I had to watch from a hill overlooking the pool to avoid distracting the class, but it was a blast seeing Chris interact with his teachers. They learned everything from floating on their backs to the "Superman" swim (face down, doing the "ice cream scoop" crawl), and even got to jump off of the pool's diving board a few times. That part was, I think, the funniest. Watching these little tiny people inch their way out to the end of the diving board, then fling themselves with all their might into the waiting arms of their instructors was completely hilarious.

At the end of class last night, each student received a little card indicating their class level and that they'd passed that particular class. Naturally, we'll be framing each one and hanging them in places of honor...or maybe we'll just put them in the boys' baby books. Either way, it was a great couple of weeks, and I'm sad to see it end. Still, it'll be great to take the boys up to our pool for the rest of the summer and see what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. Enjoy the pictures!

Touchdown!

I couldn't be prouder! Matthew is officially doing the "touchdown" manuever (ie, throwing his hands up in the air) when prompted!

And although his speech is a little, shall we say, "1-year-oldie," he can even spit out the occasional "DIT-DOW!" which is clearly munchkin speak for "Touchdown." It's a great day for football parents everywhere! :-)

My Kid's An Honor Student!

If you've known me for more than two seconds, you probably know how much I abhor those "My Kid Is An Honor Student At Bill's School for Underwater Basket Weaving" bumper stickers. I'm all about honoring your child's achievements at home through positive reinforcement, hugs, praise, whatever...BUT slapping a sticker on your car announcing to the world that your child is somehow more special than any other because he managed to get straight A's just makes you look like a jackass.

That being said...I will now play the role of the ultimate hypocrite by bragging about how cool my kid is!

The boys' school has a had some issues recently with personnel, follow-through and general "smart-making," an issue we brought to the attention of the owners a few weeks ago. As you might expect, they apologized profusely and assured us that they were working on getting some better teachers as well as initiating several new programs to reward those "students" (they are still in pre-school, after all) whose behavior warranted it. Fast forward to Monday afternoon, if you will...

We arrived at school Monday afternoon to pick up the boys, and Chris's teacher came out to greet us. "I have a very special surprise for Chris," she announced. As it turns out, the school now offers award ribbons to kids who are particularly respectful and well-mannered on any given day. This is somewhat in line with the old-school smiley faces or star stickers that we used to get when I was a kid (I say "we," but I don't recall getting too terribly many of them...hmmm). Anyway, I'm digressing. The point is that Chris had been so polite and well-behaved on that particular day that he was the only one whose behavior earned him the coveted "Awesome!" ribbon. This in turn garnered him a nice, fresh packet of Starburst as a reward from us.

A small victory, I'll admit, but a great one all the same. Maybe next time I'll resist the urge to beat up the guy driving the car with the "My Kid Doesn't Smell Like Rotten Feet!" sticker after all!

Pictures!

So it dawned on me just now that it's been a while since I've actually posted any pictures of the boys here. That being said, please enjoy the following pictures from the 4th of July!

Tubes!

Joining in the grand Johnston family tradition of having multiply messed-up ears, Matthew had tubes put in his ears yesterday. FUN! After several ear infections, Holly asked the doctor if we could just call the Ear Nose & Throat specialist to see if the tubes would be necessary, especially given that Chris is now on his SECOND set. We had an appointment a couple of weeks ago and, wouldn't you know it, the ENT said it was most assuredly tube time.

SO...we shipped Chris off to spend the night at Grandma and Papa's house on Thursday (other stories from that to be shared later), and dragged our sorry butts out of bed at 5:00 yesterday morning to drive down to the hospital. Since we'd been through the procedure twice with Chris already, we're sort of old pros with how things will go once we're down there. Still, it never ceases to amaze me how smoothly things run with this particular surgery.

We got to the hospital at 6:30 to fill out paperwork and get everything sqaured away with the insurance. At 7:55, the nurse came in to get Holly and Matthew (one of us could go with him into the anesthesiologist's office to help keep him calm during the "happy gas" time). Holly was back out of there at 8:00, and by 8:10 the doctor walked into the waiting room to tell us everything went perfectly! By 8:30, Matthew was out of recovery (with a new sippy-cup, too!), and we were out of there!

They told us that Matthew would most likely be a little irritable from the pain, but that keeping him doped up on Tylenol throughout the day would bring him back to normal. What a little champ he was about the whole thing! Not only was he NOT irritable at all on the way home, he was singing, laughing, clapping...the whole nine yards! I can only assume that he gets his pain tolerance from Holly as I'm a complete wuss!

When we got home, Matthew took a nap for a few hours while Holly and I did some work around the house. Matthew woke up at about the same time that Mom called to say she'd pick up Chris from school. Since we had a few things to run to their house anyway, we just drove over there to pick up Little Buddy. Once we got there, it took Matthew about two seconds to be in full-0ut little brother mode! The two of them were chasing each other around for the rest of the day, and pretty much all night.

That's all for now...more later!

Doing the Hippos

No...this isn't a post about attempting to hook up with a plus-size lady. If that's what you're looking for, you need to Google "hogging." THIS post revolves around what has become one of my favorite things to do with Chris: clipping his fingernails.

WHAT?!? Could you possibly have read that right?!? Did I actually say that clipping Chris's fingernails is one of my favorite things to do? Damn straight! And I'll tell ya' why...

There's a Sandra Boynton book out there called Hippos Go Berserk that's been a family classic for at least 30 years. The opening salvo is something like this:

One hippo all alone

Calls two hippos on the phone

Three hippos at the door

Bring along another four

Five hippos come overdressed

Six hippos show up with a guest

Seven hippos arrive in a sack

Eight hippos sneak in the back

Nine hippos come to work

ALL THE HIPPOS GO BERSERK!!!

Well...after three-plus years of reading this book to Chris, he pretty much has that opening part memorized. Take into account that you're basically talking about 10 pages worth of hippos, and add to that the fact that Chris has (duh!) ten fingers, and you've got a recipe for parenting success! Take one kid who hates having his fingernails clipped ("Daddy! You're hurting my fingernails' feelings!!!) and add a bunch of berserk hippos, shake and serve. Now you've got story time with a purpose!

When we figure out that Chris's fingernails are just about as long as your average coke-head's, we say, "Chris! It's time to do the hippos!" Instead of shrieks, wails, and general lamenting, Chris hops up on the counter for a quick clipping. SO..."One hippo all alone" becomes the first nail we clip, and so on.

The funniest part of all of this, though, is Chris's recitation of the book as we go along. Sometimes I have to lead him a little bit, but basically he knows the entire thing. My favorite parts are (Chris's version below):

Three hippos at the door

Bringin' along another four

Eight hippos sneakin' in the back

and of course...

ALL THE HIPPOS GO BERSERK!!!!!...

at which point we both shriek and scream. It's easily one of my favorite things, and one that I think every parent should try if they can't get their kids to sit still for fingernail clipping time. I'd be remiss not to mention that there's also a countdown from ten, which is perfect for toenail clipping. This one is a little less common (toenails seem to grow MUCH slower than fingernails), but equally cute. I'm not 100% sure on this, but it's close to this:

All through the hippo night

Hippos play with great delight

But at the hippo break of day

The hippos all must go away

Nine hippos and a beast (this is the guest who came with the aforementioned 6 hippos)

Join eight hippos riding east

Seven hippos headed west

Leave six hippos quite distressed

Five hippos then set forth

With four hippos headed north

Three hippos say "Good day!"

The last two hippos go their way

One hippo, alone once more,

Misses the other forty-four (sad hippo with a party hat staring at his phone and trashed house)